I'm back.......

Sometimes just rereading the post that I have written in the past can be very encouraging. Reminds me of some of the things that I have vowed in my life. They also reminded me that I can be very prolific when I want to be.
So I am currently working at ATT and I can honestly say that God placed me in this job to learn a little more about human nature. Not only from the customers that I help everyday but from the people that I work with.
It reminds me hoe petty people can be sometimes, and how golden.

I wish everyone could work in a customer-facing position at least one time in their life so that they can see how the people feel that they serve everyday. It can really make you humble as a customer, and a little more particular about service. But I really think that everyone should have at least one sales job in their life.

So I am living at home with my mother, I have turned 24 and I really don't feel like an adult. I think I need to start planning to move forward with my life, join the rat-race. Get me a nine-to- five with benefits and really start saving some money. Money in the bank never hurt anybody.
Well I am tired of typing...
Peaces

What a Crazy Year.......

If anyone had told me last year that I would be where I am now I would have probably laughed in their faces... I mean this total implosion of my life has been so utterly ridiculous that no one in their right mind could ever believe that this would happen.. but it did and here I am.
These months have made me completely understanding of victims of suicide, I can see why they would chose the option although it is not for me.

I mean in this one year I have lost love ones, flunked out, fell in love and had my heartbroken for real, and basically had every belief that I had in basic human emotions shattered. I can say that now I know why some people are so bitter...... Because life can truly make you that way...

So how do you escape when you fill so trapped that you just can't breathe.

Faith, Grief, and Success........

I could go into a long and drawn out conversation about everything that is going on in my life but I will only talk about the things that are covered in the topic of this post.
1. Faith
I spent the past school year in doubt of my faith. I wasn't sure that God was with me. I lost a cousin, a friend in Christ, and I wasn't sure that I was where I was supposed to be in my life. Now I know that my loss of faith was simply a trick of the devil and was meant to break my trust. I know that God is with me and now I am waiting for my breakthrough.... I have been through entirely to much and I know that my blessing will be big and abundant because my trials are getting bigger and bigger.
2.Grief
I have been grieving over the last year and at times I have not been able to see my grief, but lately I have been looking at it square in the face. I realized that I had not been dealing with my grief, I simply shelved it and hoped that it would go away. But instead it has been festering inside of me and has been destroying me and my health.
3. Success
I claim success in my life. I claim deliverance from the trials that the devil has placed in my path. What God has for me it is for me, and no one can take that away. I have succeeded before the battle has even begun. I am putting on my war paint and beginning a new day.

Old Relationships.......

Have you ever just sat around with friends and reminisced over old relationships whether good or bad.
I had just such an evening tonight and I was amazed how much you forget when you are not thinking about it. You tend to remember the good time and how much the little things meant to you at the time.
My first love.... or the first time that I realized I was in was one of the brightest points in my life. I realized that one of the things that I really appreciated was the fact that he walked me home from school everyday... I was so cute and so special to me. It was also one of those things that can't be repeated now. I drive everywhere I go and the walking home has ended but the gesture was so grand that it is amazing that it came from a high school student.

I think that as we get older we forget how true love can be; we forget how to do the grand gesture.... we think less about the other person in the relationship and more about ourselves and the why we think we should be feeling.
For once I would like to experience the innocence of a new relationship again. To not be encumbered by the politics or whether sex will be involved because the situation is just innocent.
But right now I am just watching and praying and waiting on God to provide me with the love of my youth.... that innocent, breezy love that we forget about.
Peaces

Tired but Blessed

So I am ending my self enforced pity party and taking back my life. Recently I caught my boyfriend cheating on me and I let the little ghetto girl within out and let her shine for a bit. But I am now back to the regular program and I have to decide how I wish to proceed with my life.

I have been thinking long and hard about this and I have come to the conclusion that sometimes it is just better for you to do things the hard way. I am ready and open to accepting rejecting, that has never been a crutch of mine but I have always been the type of person who sought answers to the problem. Let me know so that I might correct something in myself because every experience is a learning experience. Well over the past week I have come to realize that I have been living my life for everyone but me. I came home and forgot that there is a world out there that I participated in and that I made it through without my family telling me how to do it.
So I had to ask myself, why is it that now I need their approval to make choices in my own life.

I am having lunch with him tomorrow, he might stand me up, he might not. The conversation may go the way I want it to go... It might not.... but the point is that I decided to make this step and no one else helped me make that decision.
I mean how can I even think about having someone marry me and be my husband if I can't make decision for myself and with someone else without outside influence. To be unpopular is not popular... especially not within your own family.
But I have to decide my course.... and forget about everybody else....... How can someone tell me that the person that I have chosen for my life is not the person for me when I have watched that same somebody continue to do the same thing to so many women in their own life.
How can you be mad at someone for doing the exact same thing that your doing...... that is hypocritical.
Tomorrow I might find out that the man that I have given my heart to might have never loved me in the first place. I might find out that I have been deceived from the very beginning. But I will have found out.... and from there I can make my own decisions..... I can walk away knowing that I know..... or knowing that once full of bull always full of bull.

I have always felt that I knew how men worked... inwardly they were one way or another. But now I know that men are insecure... They want everything they see in life and they are goading into doing some of the things that they do by other men...... but only they can save themselves... I can't save the men in my life.... and most other women can not save the men in theirs.
All I can do is pray for guidance and deliverance........ for the both of us.

Hey, I almost forgot... to all of my friends... you are truly a blessing to me and I want you all to know that you are not forgotten....life just sometimes gets in the way.

100th Post....Whooooohooooo

Well blogger I have made it to my 100th post, and I think it is only fitting that this post be as introspective as possible ( i.e. All about me!!!!!)

So I received my heart monitor in the mail and I am now officially strapped... Hahhahaha!!!! So everybody be in prayer that there is nothing wrong with my heart.
As of tonight as I am writing this I have decided to become a vegetarian.... I don't think I'm going to take it so far as to watch every thing I eat and make sure there are no animals products used in them... I'm just going to give up meat for awhile.... Because I don't think quiting cold turkey works I'm going to give up chicken, pork, and red meat. I think that leaves fish and almost completely obliterates the menus at most fast food restaurants so I won't be eaten at any of those establishments any time soon. I am going to strive for a month and see how things go from there. I think that is a worthy 100th post declaration.

In other milestones I have decided to stop taking this God awful birth control that I started taking which has thrown my entire system out of whack. This is effective immediately. I will be trying other alternatives but hopefully something that is not going to make me moody and sick. I also think that the effects of this medication is effectively destroying my relationship. I have become someone that even I can't identify when it comes to this relationship and I am just ready to get my life back on track.

I was talking with my sister today just venting really about what I was doing wrong in my relationship. Something that I hadn't really done since we started having problems. I had to remind myself that there were faults that I have that contribute to the problems that we have, and I have to admit to myself that lately he hasn't been doing anything other than avoiding me and I can't really blame him because lately I have become an emotional wreck and sometimes I don't even want to be around myself. So I am making life changes..... I want the old me back.... and I think I have resigned myself to having that self back without him in my life... But I know that is he choice to make...... I can't make it for him.

So should the unthinkable happen and I can't go back to school next year I think I have decided that I might teach for a little while or go to PA school.... or become a nurse practitioner. These are not my first choice options but they are the things that I have decided on as my fall back options.
I'm making today, which is also the anniversary of the Fourth month of my relationship a birthday..... or rebirth.
So Happy New Birth to Me!!!!!!!!!

Peace!!!!!!!!!

Waiting.....

I hate waiting.
I have spent my entire life waiting on other people to decided my future.... and I am still waiting.

So today I went on a job interview and overall I think it went really well... I didn't receive any questions that I didn't have a clear answer for.. so I think that is a good thing. I should probably hear something by Friday.

In other news I am still taking this Godforsaken BC, and it is still playing with my hormones. I can't be my usual bitchy self because I'm crying all the time. Like right now I should be saying "Fuck Him" about my boyfriend, but all I can think about is that I would really appreciate it if he called.... When did I become such a bleeding heart..., I really, really don't like it.

I went to the Dr. Yesterday and let her know about the chest pains that I have been having.. so she runs an EKG and lo and behold nothing was there. Then this morning I start having one of those damn palpitations and all I can think about is why didn't this happen yesterday.
So I have to wear an event monitor for about a month... but I have to wait for it to come in the mail... I really could have used it today.

Have you every wondered why you can't just walk into an ER with standing orders to have a test ran... Like today if I had had standing orders I could have ran to an ER... got hooked up to a heart monitor and BAM!!! my Doctor would have all of the information that she would need to make an informed diagnosis of whatever this is that is slowly killing me.

If anyone has a solution as to how to take back my life from the people who have me waiting... please let me know. Thanks.

Men...Relationships...

I know that this is my usual topic of non-school related conversation but I will fill those of you who don't already know in on whats going on with me. (The short and sweet version)
So in January I met this really nice guy.... who just happened to be a lot older than me, but we really hit it off and started seeing each other regularly.... at first I was reserved and was waiting to see where he wanted to take things... then I was like "hey, I finally have someone in my life who wants to be with me and I'm the one holding back". So I decided to give him a try and make things official....... and that is when all hell broke loose.

I mean he was pushing for the relationship because he didn't really want to be with anyone who didn't want to be with him, but the minute I consented it was like OK I have her now I don't have to work!!!!!!!!!!
Like someone please tell me why this man who would call me three or fours times a day has gone down to maybe once a week.
Why this person that swears he wants to be with me all of a sudden can't make our dates and can't call to say he isn't coming...

So of course I'm thinking that I have just gone from the frying pan into the fire..... when I start talking to some of my girlfriends about the situation and they completely understand where I am coming from ( other than the why am I still with him part.... But I will get back to that).
Apparently with most men this is the course of the relationship:
You work hard until you have her and then once you know that she isn't going anywhere you slack off and tell her that she is the one who is overreacting. Humphh!!!!
Im sorry But I didn't fall for the slacker.... I fell for the man who called me everyday just to see how I was doing.
I fell for the man who wanted to spend all of his free time with me.
I fell for the man who rubbed my feet while I was studying.

I did not fall for the man who doesn't come around, always shows up late, never calls, and just generally takes me for granted.
That was every other nigga out in the street that I wasn't giving the time of day..... if I wanted that I would have let one of them holla!!!!!

But the problem I'm having now is that I have allowed feelings to become involved...... I love him.... yeah I said it.... and love will make you do some crazy things.... like stay in a situation that you wouldn't have allowed 4 months ago.....
So the question becomes.... how do I prove my point.... How do I make him realize that he is taking me for granted and make him get his shit in order.... period?

Gosh..... who knew relationships were difficult!!!!!! Hahahahaha!!!!!!!!

Whew..... it's been awhile

When I originally began medical school I was listened to upperclassmen talk about how people in your family will never understand. I had that fact shown to me twice this weekend. So I went out with my mother for a mind break on Saturday and ended up at this little thrift store that sole of all things 2" binder (you have to be here to understand). So as I was stocking up on cheap binders my mother did what she always does which is brag on the fact that I'm in medical school. The lady behind the counter immediately began asking question and it turns out that her niece attends medical school here. Well the first thing she says is " she was tested when she was little and they classified her at near genius level. But she stills says that medical school is very hard."
I am here to say it, that medical school has nothing to do with how smart you are. Medical school is about endurance.... How much can you take before your brain snaps and you become a vegetable.

My uncle went so far as to tell me to stop stressing if I don't get an "A" on every test, and I really wanted to tell him that I haven't seen a "A" since I got here.
Its' funny because one of my classmates made the comment that if you flunk out at least you have made it to the point of high achievement flunking.
Even though it seems like the semester is flying away, I can't wait for it to be over... because I am beyond tired and I have never had some many test, quizzes, or homework assignments. Even when I had double the classes.
So I will leave you with these thoroughly tired thoughts as I try to figure out how to get some pain killers, sleep, and 2 homework assignments done that are due tomorrow. All while trying to figure out how to study for my first final which is Friday.

Famu...FAMU

Today while I was sitting in class trying to understand human physiology. I took a moment to check rattler nation, another blog site that provides information on the current situations going on at my Alma Mater. I was intrigued by the recent approval of our new president at the University. I have to admit that I am a fan of Castell. Only because I know logically that she was not there long enough to cause all of the problems that have befallen the university. She unfortunately walked into a bad situation and was immediately blamed for everything that was going wrong. In truth I feel that a lot of what she has done has kept the head of FAMU above water and made it possible for future repairs to be made. For those who would like to blame her for the probation the the College of Pharmacy I would recommend that they do their research. Accreditation committees make numerous trips to the programs they are review before they recommend a course of action, and one infraction does not cause probation. This has been a long time coming and previous staff and current staff have been ignoring the situation. The college has educated people who should know the course that curriculum should be taking and that is an easy fix if addressed.
I welcome President Ammon and I encourage people to just let the man do his job. There is no miracle in this situation that can happen over night... things take time to fix and things will probably get a lot worse before they get better.

I am Changing......

I loved that song from Dreamgirls and if you don't know what I am talking about then you need to cope that soundtrack.
But somethings truly never change. Hurt doesn't go away, pain subsides but lies dormant to be reawakened and the joys are always remembered.
I had to ask myself this weekend how many times was I going to allow myself to be placed in this position ans I decided then that I was through. I was tired of trying to understand the pain because it was not worth understanding.
I have reached the how much more can I take phase.
So I'm smiling and reflecting and honoring the attention that I am receiving.
I'm thanking my good friends because they are always there for me and giving me honest and unbiased advice. Keep it up guys I need you to survive.

Love and Lies.......

Some of you will know what this post is about ( and it ain't all about the title).Recently I was giving the blow off.... not a particularly interesting thing to say the least because as one of my good friends told me " I wasn't vested" and the truth of the matter was that I wasn't.

So the question becomes how can you be blown off by someone that you weren't all that into in the first place????
Now as I marinate on that one.... I realized the truth of why I was so upset in the first place. The reason I was fired up was because He Lied!!!!!!!!

Now those of you who know me know that is my pet peeve..... do not and I repeat do not lie to me in a serious conversation now matter how big or small because that shittt is not funny, cute, nor does it make you the bigger person. (Vent Over)

But yeah He lied and did so as a reassurance.... like that lie made things alright.... absolved him of any guilt and set us both free..... Very funny.

So I stopped being angry... because I realized that like I predicated before anything began..... nothing was going to come of things because he was too closed to allow anyone into his world. So again that is me stressing over nothing.....

After some very insightful conversations with two of my best friends (you know who you are) I have simmered down and am completely in my understanding zone and ready to call up my favorite ex..... hehehehehe..... he is always up for a phone call .... when we are talking.

So the school year has started and I haven't done bad so far..... But I would really like to make this semester a much better one than the last semester was.... I have vowed to be more on top of things and not let them catch me off guard.... if that is possible.

So I got chewed out tonight..... because I was being robbed of my help by someone else..... But hey I am not a hater just didn't appreciate the slight... So I will step out of this corner or little shell that I have placed myself in. In order to get more effective feedback into my education.


Enough venting for tonight... I am going to get some sleep.... ENJOY the MLK weekend....
Peace

What the Hell were They Thinking When They Made Our Schedule!!!!!!

What the hell was the administration thinking when they created our schedule this semester. On Monday we are in class from 8:00 till 5:00 with an hour for lunch and some of our teachers don't respect that. What were they really thinking!!!!!

Once in high school I had a teacher who was telling me about college and Grad school and I was told that I need to get prepared for classes that last 2-3 hours with few breaks in between. I actually had classes like this in Undergrad, but I can't understand how anyone can expect you to go an entire day, learning information, but really you stopped paying attention after lunch but your body switched over into the postprandial state and is trying to digest that McDonald's hamburger that you had to run out to get in the 30 mins that you have between classes that is supposed to be lunch.

Ok, so I am done venting about the horrible day that I had yesterday with the marathon teaching sessions that my teachers tried to have. I have turned over some new leafs for this semester. Now don't get me wrong. I don't believe in New Years resolutions because when you resolve to do anything at the beginning of the years that odds that you will accomplish these things are slim to none... and they tend to stay on your list for several years before you actually make the effort to do something about them.

I decided to do something about a number of things that I have been actively working on. Here is a brief list and most of the things on this list are things that I feel everyone needs to focus on:

1. Finances = I feel that everyone in their 20's need to start thinking about finances. We are only getting older and now is the perfect time to mess somethings up but then we have plenty of time to fix it.
2. Health = Now I am really bad about this one. I am about to become a physician and I put off going to the doctor myself ( usually because I think I already know whats wrong with me, or I don't have the time, refer to the first paragraph).
3. Positive Thinking = Last semester I spent a lot of time thinking negatively and negative thoughts only lead to negative outcomes.
4. Prayer = I am a practicing Christian and I realized that I need to spend a lot more time in prayer, speaking to God and seeking direction. Now if your not that is ok..... but spend time in quiet reflection, We as young professionals spend so much time rushing around with different things that we forget to take the time to reflect on our choices and their effects on future outcomes, or just remembering the Good things that occurred during the day ( we always find time to dwell on the negative things)
5.Control of my personal life and situation = Nothing or no one can make me do anything that I don't want to do ( except someone with a gun and then only for so long). I have allowed things that occur and comments from people to derail my personal progress. I need to relearn how to stand alone before I can stand with anyone else.

There that wasn't so bad.... these are all things that I feel are constants things that no matter what the year we all need to be looking at doing for personal growth.
So over the next couple of months enjoy yourself, and watch your money.... ( make it growth)

Ohhh.... Pray that I can make it through these longs Mondays..... ( I might have to start skipping classes..... craziness.)