My broken heart......

Today the world lost an Angel, and I lost my heart.
I can't stop crying and I can't move on. My Cousin died today. My world imploded today. He was my first love, not some boy off the street, but my cousin who looked out for me and was my light.
When I was little I cried for days when they would leave after they came for a visit, because while he was here I wasn't alone. I wasn't sad and I was happy. But when they left I was alone again, I was sad again. He was my pillar and every accomplishment that I made he was proud of. I wanted to quit when I heard the news.
I thought my year was over that there was no way to recover. I kept saying " I don't know what to do".
I really don't know what to, and I don't know that I can recover. How do you recover from this?
I will never be the same again, but I am expected to function like nothing happened.
How does the world lose such an amazing talent and not recoil, not shake, not end.
I look out my window and I wonder how people can continue with their lives when my world is crumbling, falling down around me.
I can't keep doing this.... I am so tired and I keep losing the people around me who genuinely love me and have my best interest in their hearts. The only thing that could hurt worse right now is if I lost my mother or my sister.
I am lost........

My First Test Block

I can not believe that 4 weeks have almost passed in Medical and we are about to begin our first test block. This is serious, ( beginning to hyperventilate) I don't think that I can do it. Beginning Tuesday September 5th I will take my first medical school exams.... beginning with developmental anatomy.
I am totally freaking out, but I don't feel bad because everybody is freaking out.
I thought that I knew how to study and cover all of this information and for most of my classes I do. This Gross Anatomy though is kicking my ass. I mean how can one class be the worst ( comparative anatomy not withstanding) I go into the gross lab and I can not believe that I still don't know everything in the upper extremities of the body, and that I only have another week to learn this information. While that may seem like a lot of time.. Trust me it is not.

I need to buckle down... Stop blogging, stop checking facebook, turn off the TV, stop improving the house and stop answering the phone so that I can concentrate over the next couple of days on the information that I need to cover in a relatively short time. I already have two notebooks of information ( 1 -2" Binder, and 1 11/2" binder) That is more than an entire semester of undergrad course work and we are still getting more information. Please can I take a break.... I just got here and I need a vacation already.

Christmas Shopping

I am starting early trying to figure out what my family wants for Christmas this year. I think I have figured out what my mother wants. She was visiting some relatives a little while ago and was intrigued by the Bose Wave system. I would really like to get this unit for her, but it cost $500. I could purchase the unit now, but I really would like to try and find it cheaper and I am trying to weigh the option of purchasing the Wave radio instead and buying her an MP3 player. Hummm... if anyone know where I can get a unit from without the process being illegal let me know.
Now I still don't know what to get my sister this year, last year I bought her jewelry and she told me to give it back. So I really don't know what to get her. Let me know if anyone has any suggestions on this matter.
ok... I need to get back to listening to the lecture on how to tell patients bad news..... I might need that some day.

AHHHHHHHHH

I can't find enough time in the day to complete the things that I need to get done. I have been working on developmental (embryology) this week and I seem to be making no progress, plus I am getting further behind in Gross because that wasn't the chosen study for the week. Next week was to be dedicated to Biochem and then I was going to go back and review and fix the holes in the rest of the topics before the test. Now I don't think that is going to work. I really feel like I keep "losing" information. Just when I think that I have learned something I get a curve thrown my way, someone will ask me a question and I am just not sure of the answer. Every once in awhile I will stumble upon the correct answer and then I get excited because I feel like I learned something, only to remember that I really didn't know it in the first place and now that is just one more item that I need to commit to memory along with all the other things that I thought I knew. This is beginning to get frustrating. and when I get frustrated I begin to eat, and worry, and lose hair. So by the end of this semester I will probably have gained another hundred pounds and I will have lost all the hair on my head. I have yet to find a rhythm. Nothing is clicking and I am beginning to panic.
But hey this is supposed to be normal and I should be thankful that I know that and that I am still trying to formulate a plan.
But that is enought today, I will keep ya'll posted on the many, many stressful ventures of a medical student..... have fun being normal.

Home Buying and Study Skills

I am feeling kind of lowed today, I studied all night and I am still behind,,,,, help. I really need to catch up. If I don’t then I don’t think that I’m going to be able to make it.
So my father called me today during the break between my lectures. I was shocked because he was calling me about a house that he had found for me. I really would like to buy a house but I don’t know how I would qualify for financing. I mean I am not working right now and I am being supported by student loans. So no documental income, this poses a real problem in establishing a mortgage. So he calls me about a house that is running for about $42,000, but my father is always rushing. He wants me to go there today and look at the house. I really don’t want to get his hopes up or the hopes of the women that is selling the house because I would still need to get financing.

This was the same reaction that he gave me about buying a car; I don’t want that to be the case in this situation. I guess I am a little more mature and I want this at this moment a little less than I wanted a new car.  I was thinking a lot last night while I couldn’t sleep that I really would like to buy the house that is next door to my mother. My uncle tried to buy the house a couple of years back, but the house had just been sitting there rotting and growing over. I would love to buy it and take the time to restore it to an even better condition than brand new. It would be a blank slate that I would be able to do whatever I wanted to it.
Some would say that I would get my money back from the venture, but I think that I would just enjoy the fact that there was a house that I owned and that was exactly what I wanted it to be.
So I am going to go today but I won’t get my hopes up and I will take everything with a grain of salt. Nothing serious.

Not a Complaining Day

I am totally not complaining, but then again I am. A writer needs some motivation. I know a lot of people that read my blog in passing, or in class, or just when they are feeling kinda down and need to know that someone else life is either lower or higher than theirs which ever the case may be. But People, I need motivation to continue to write about my many and varied exploits. So pull out those fingers and leave a girl a comment. Two lines won't kill yah. I would like to thank my regular commenter, girl you make this thing worth while. But as for the rest of you... get to writing.
In other news:

I have officially decided that fate is a cruel, cruel master. I was walking through target ( my favorite store) with my sister and I ran into an old friend that I went to church with most of my life. Now back in the day I had the WORST crush on this man. He was my light ( ok, remember that I was like 10). So I am walking through Target when my sister spots him and immediately starts a conversation. Now all of my old insecurities come back because 1. I still think he is cute. 2. He is a minister. 3. He knows all of my old insecurities (remember we grew up together).
Well, while my sister was talking I was just looking and taking in a couple of things.
1. He was carry one of those little carryalls that I didn't think they even mad anymore and inside was a box of tampons. (this could have been for the females in his family)
2. So of course you look at the hands ladies, a low and behold there was a band. ( I like to cried right there in the middle of target)
So no sooner than I made the obvious assumptions then she rounds the corner. She was this little mousy thing and I was shocked because she was nothing like his previous girlfriends, so he had a made a change there. But he introduces us then proceeds to make it seem like we were so much younger than they were just to ally her fears that we were possible old girlfriends. It was almost funny if it wasn't making me so mad (don't ask me why, because I still can't tell you). So the conversation concluded and we continued shopping, but I couldn't help but feel that I was missing something in my own life, and I would hate to have that feeling every time I encountered an ex, or a crush. Just something that really made me think.... I welcome any and all comments because I non longer have time to contemplate these oddities myself.

The First Week of Medical School

I was not going to write about the first week of medical school, but I think that it would be a release to talk about some of the things that happened this week. I have spent the entire week trying to WARM-UP, and I do mean this literally. That classroom is 40 below everyday. I was thinking about taking a blanket, but I didn't want anyone to think that I was preparing to take a nap during the lecture. But today I saw that some other people were doing the same thing and I think that next week the blanket is coming out.
But thats not what you want to hear, you wanted to hear about how the lectures are going. Well Biochemistry isn't that bad but Gross Anatomy is killer. I find myself still trying to get some understanding in there. I don't have any problems with the lab, but that lecture is out of control. I learned in Gross lab today that a lot of my classmates had never had a practical exam before, so I thank FAMU for making us take all of those practical examinations. So if your sitting there trying to remember those muscles in comparative and you think that you will never see them again just remember that I said you will see them in Gross Lab during the first day.
I hope that this has been helpful because I am tired and I need to review some material. Ciao for now.
P.S.: One more week till the Cheetah Girls II...whooohooo

Worried.......

Should I feel worried. This is the third day of my medical school experience and I feel like I am right back in undergraduate school, only every teacher that I have is like the hellish Comparative teacher that I had at FAMU. The only bright side in this entire thing was that I knew what I was doing when I went into the Gross Lab on yesterday. Gross actually wasn't that bad, I thought that I would feel more about the person that was lying on the table, because at one time they were walking around like me. But after all of the embalming fluids and that way they look I was able to relegate the experience to the same one that I had when I skinned the cat..... ( I was amazed that they smelled the same).

But I really need to get my head in the game, because right now I am slacking.

1st Day of Med School

Today marks the first day of medical school for me, for all of you that I have been wondering how the day has been going let me to tell you.... In one word.....

Borrrring..........

We spent the morning learning Biochemistry and having a Gross Anatomy lecture.... Which Gross is a lot like your general anatomy lecture. I will see how the lab is going to be on tomorrow. I think that Gross is going to be the hardest class that I have this semester.

Previously I said that I would not have done a science major if I had to do the whole shebang over again, but after the lectures that I had today I really appreciate the class that I took in undergrad to get here. Now those of you who know me know that I am not a morning person... so 8:30am classes everyday are going to be a stretch for me.
We are just finishing the Tablet PC discussion... and I still really don't know how to use this thing. But there is always trial and error.
I need to explore this system a little more but so far I really like it.

Its a Family Reunion.......

Well its finally here..... FAMILY REUNION...... I won't be writing for the weekend because this is the weekend of my family reunion. the entire Collins family is in town and we are going to paint the country RED.
Does anyone want a dog ... because this one of mine is driving my crazy.... she got a hamburger squeaky toy and she wants me to play with her so right now she is at my knee staring at me. Oh well.
I am really going through something because I have lost my keys. Between my mothers house and my aunts I have lost them. But I have my spare ( for the car anyway).
Today I received the craziest call... the witch that was the nightmare of my summer called me today and asked if I wanted her to overnite me my final check. Now while this might not seem out of the ordinary... this is the same chick that called campus police on me and my other co-workers... this is the same chick that took it upon herself to tell us that we were terminated two days before the program was over.... but she is calling me like we are the best of friends and she is looking out for me.
That isn't the case... and let me say this.. I am not one to hold a grudge but she has forever left a taint on anything type of association that we might have. She was a leaf in my life. She was taking from the tree (me) and thought that she could do without me.... now she is just blowing in the wind.
I said to another one of my ex-coworkers that she is probably trying to keep her job and that is why she is trying to be nice all of a sudden because she was caught up in her mess, but should she keep her job she is doing nothing but hurting that program and I would never think to work with that program again unless she was not working for them.
I will definitely be working with BEAR next summer. I will be able to stay at home and make money..... as well as help the new crop of future minority physicians... because no one can help us like we help ourselves.
So I hope that you guys don't miss me to much over the weekend.

Sleep.....

How important is sleep to the average American.
Well I have spent the last couple of days trying to establish a rhythm and unfortunately I have not been able to do that. I has been that I have been up until 4:00am then I sleep until 12:00pm or later. But last night was different because I wasn't able to sleep at all. I was up all night and was able to see my mother off to work this morning.
There is obviously a problem with my sleep patterns.
Something is preventing me from finding that point of tiredness that most people find after only a couple of hours in the evening.
I am naturally a night owl, but this is getting ridiculous. I need to get some sleep in the next couple of days so that I will be prepared when school starts.
maybe I am excited or there is just something on my mind that I driving me crazy, but this has got to end.
On a lighter note I have finally figured out what was wrong with the new template that I am using. So now everyone, no matter what browser your using, can see my new template. Take care and enjoy the view.

Friends.....

Hehehehe.... I finally have my friends into town... what does this mean you ask?
What this means is that I have somewhere to be other than my house and people that actual enjoy my company ( wait that didn't sound right)
I feel like I need to jump up and down and turn cartwheels, this is a day of celebration and I have my family reunion coming up...
That just means more food, fun, and family.
I was over my uncles house today and my cousins was commenting on the fact that they have taken the time out to look at my facebook page. This was mildly disturbing because I am not sure if that includes looking at my blog.... hehehe.... they may have found out somethings about me that they weren't ready to see... hehehe.

Its kinda odd sometimes how much your family doesn't know about you. You would think that they knew the ins and outs of everything that you do.... if for no other reason but because your parental unit had informed them. But I have come to the conclusion today that very few people in my family fully comprehend that I am attending Medical School in little over a week. I can hardly believe it myself sometimes.

So the question for today is:
Am I wrong for not wanting to tell people that I am going to medical school?

I could tell people to be braggadocios but that is not the point of this for me.... this is really something that I really want to do. My friend that will be attending school with me made the same comment today that she doesn't like to tell people either.... The reason is because once you tell people things change. The way they look at you change, the way that they interact with you change. This happens with everyone, not just with people of the opposite sex. Either people are intimidated or they look at you as competition. People in this world are so caught up with status that they fail to remember that people are just that people.
So feel free to leave your comments on the topic of whether or not I should tell.
Peaces.