Old Relationships.......

Have you ever just sat around with friends and reminisced over old relationships whether good or bad.
I had just such an evening tonight and I was amazed how much you forget when you are not thinking about it. You tend to remember the good time and how much the little things meant to you at the time.
My first love.... or the first time that I realized I was in was one of the brightest points in my life. I realized that one of the things that I really appreciated was the fact that he walked me home from school everyday... I was so cute and so special to me. It was also one of those things that can't be repeated now. I drive everywhere I go and the walking home has ended but the gesture was so grand that it is amazing that it came from a high school student.

I think that as we get older we forget how true love can be; we forget how to do the grand gesture.... we think less about the other person in the relationship and more about ourselves and the why we think we should be feeling.
For once I would like to experience the innocence of a new relationship again. To not be encumbered by the politics or whether sex will be involved because the situation is just innocent.
But right now I am just watching and praying and waiting on God to provide me with the love of my youth.... that innocent, breezy love that we forget about.
Peaces

Tired but Blessed

So I am ending my self enforced pity party and taking back my life. Recently I caught my boyfriend cheating on me and I let the little ghetto girl within out and let her shine for a bit. But I am now back to the regular program and I have to decide how I wish to proceed with my life.

I have been thinking long and hard about this and I have come to the conclusion that sometimes it is just better for you to do things the hard way. I am ready and open to accepting rejecting, that has never been a crutch of mine but I have always been the type of person who sought answers to the problem. Let me know so that I might correct something in myself because every experience is a learning experience. Well over the past week I have come to realize that I have been living my life for everyone but me. I came home and forgot that there is a world out there that I participated in and that I made it through without my family telling me how to do it.
So I had to ask myself, why is it that now I need their approval to make choices in my own life.

I am having lunch with him tomorrow, he might stand me up, he might not. The conversation may go the way I want it to go... It might not.... but the point is that I decided to make this step and no one else helped me make that decision.
I mean how can I even think about having someone marry me and be my husband if I can't make decision for myself and with someone else without outside influence. To be unpopular is not popular... especially not within your own family.
But I have to decide my course.... and forget about everybody else....... How can someone tell me that the person that I have chosen for my life is not the person for me when I have watched that same somebody continue to do the same thing to so many women in their own life.
How can you be mad at someone for doing the exact same thing that your doing...... that is hypocritical.
Tomorrow I might find out that the man that I have given my heart to might have never loved me in the first place. I might find out that I have been deceived from the very beginning. But I will have found out.... and from there I can make my own decisions..... I can walk away knowing that I know..... or knowing that once full of bull always full of bull.

I have always felt that I knew how men worked... inwardly they were one way or another. But now I know that men are insecure... They want everything they see in life and they are goading into doing some of the things that they do by other men...... but only they can save themselves... I can't save the men in my life.... and most other women can not save the men in theirs.
All I can do is pray for guidance and deliverance........ for the both of us.

Hey, I almost forgot... to all of my friends... you are truly a blessing to me and I want you all to know that you are not forgotten....life just sometimes gets in the way.

100th Post....Whooooohooooo

Well blogger I have made it to my 100th post, and I think it is only fitting that this post be as introspective as possible ( i.e. All about me!!!!!)

So I received my heart monitor in the mail and I am now officially strapped... Hahhahaha!!!! So everybody be in prayer that there is nothing wrong with my heart.
As of tonight as I am writing this I have decided to become a vegetarian.... I don't think I'm going to take it so far as to watch every thing I eat and make sure there are no animals products used in them... I'm just going to give up meat for awhile.... Because I don't think quiting cold turkey works I'm going to give up chicken, pork, and red meat. I think that leaves fish and almost completely obliterates the menus at most fast food restaurants so I won't be eaten at any of those establishments any time soon. I am going to strive for a month and see how things go from there. I think that is a worthy 100th post declaration.

In other milestones I have decided to stop taking this God awful birth control that I started taking which has thrown my entire system out of whack. This is effective immediately. I will be trying other alternatives but hopefully something that is not going to make me moody and sick. I also think that the effects of this medication is effectively destroying my relationship. I have become someone that even I can't identify when it comes to this relationship and I am just ready to get my life back on track.

I was talking with my sister today just venting really about what I was doing wrong in my relationship. Something that I hadn't really done since we started having problems. I had to remind myself that there were faults that I have that contribute to the problems that we have, and I have to admit to myself that lately he hasn't been doing anything other than avoiding me and I can't really blame him because lately I have become an emotional wreck and sometimes I don't even want to be around myself. So I am making life changes..... I want the old me back.... and I think I have resigned myself to having that self back without him in my life... But I know that is he choice to make...... I can't make it for him.

So should the unthinkable happen and I can't go back to school next year I think I have decided that I might teach for a little while or go to PA school.... or become a nurse practitioner. These are not my first choice options but they are the things that I have decided on as my fall back options.
I'm making today, which is also the anniversary of the Fourth month of my relationship a birthday..... or rebirth.
So Happy New Birth to Me!!!!!!!!!

Peace!!!!!!!!!

Waiting.....

I hate waiting.
I have spent my entire life waiting on other people to decided my future.... and I am still waiting.

So today I went on a job interview and overall I think it went really well... I didn't receive any questions that I didn't have a clear answer for.. so I think that is a good thing. I should probably hear something by Friday.

In other news I am still taking this Godforsaken BC, and it is still playing with my hormones. I can't be my usual bitchy self because I'm crying all the time. Like right now I should be saying "Fuck Him" about my boyfriend, but all I can think about is that I would really appreciate it if he called.... When did I become such a bleeding heart..., I really, really don't like it.

I went to the Dr. Yesterday and let her know about the chest pains that I have been having.. so she runs an EKG and lo and behold nothing was there. Then this morning I start having one of those damn palpitations and all I can think about is why didn't this happen yesterday.
So I have to wear an event monitor for about a month... but I have to wait for it to come in the mail... I really could have used it today.

Have you every wondered why you can't just walk into an ER with standing orders to have a test ran... Like today if I had had standing orders I could have ran to an ER... got hooked up to a heart monitor and BAM!!! my Doctor would have all of the information that she would need to make an informed diagnosis of whatever this is that is slowly killing me.

If anyone has a solution as to how to take back my life from the people who have me waiting... please let me know. Thanks.

Men...Relationships...

I know that this is my usual topic of non-school related conversation but I will fill those of you who don't already know in on whats going on with me. (The short and sweet version)
So in January I met this really nice guy.... who just happened to be a lot older than me, but we really hit it off and started seeing each other regularly.... at first I was reserved and was waiting to see where he wanted to take things... then I was like "hey, I finally have someone in my life who wants to be with me and I'm the one holding back". So I decided to give him a try and make things official....... and that is when all hell broke loose.

I mean he was pushing for the relationship because he didn't really want to be with anyone who didn't want to be with him, but the minute I consented it was like OK I have her now I don't have to work!!!!!!!!!!
Like someone please tell me why this man who would call me three or fours times a day has gone down to maybe once a week.
Why this person that swears he wants to be with me all of a sudden can't make our dates and can't call to say he isn't coming...

So of course I'm thinking that I have just gone from the frying pan into the fire..... when I start talking to some of my girlfriends about the situation and they completely understand where I am coming from ( other than the why am I still with him part.... But I will get back to that).
Apparently with most men this is the course of the relationship:
You work hard until you have her and then once you know that she isn't going anywhere you slack off and tell her that she is the one who is overreacting. Humphh!!!!
Im sorry But I didn't fall for the slacker.... I fell for the man who called me everyday just to see how I was doing.
I fell for the man who wanted to spend all of his free time with me.
I fell for the man who rubbed my feet while I was studying.

I did not fall for the man who doesn't come around, always shows up late, never calls, and just generally takes me for granted.
That was every other nigga out in the street that I wasn't giving the time of day..... if I wanted that I would have let one of them holla!!!!!

But the problem I'm having now is that I have allowed feelings to become involved...... I love him.... yeah I said it.... and love will make you do some crazy things.... like stay in a situation that you wouldn't have allowed 4 months ago.....
So the question becomes.... how do I prove my point.... How do I make him realize that he is taking me for granted and make him get his shit in order.... period?

Gosh..... who knew relationships were difficult!!!!!! Hahahahaha!!!!!!!!