An episode of House and a few blogs that I have read..........

I thought I should try to get back to a normal blog life... something other than this med-school induced pity party that I have succumb to so here goes.
I was watching an episode of "House" and in the episode a 10 year old girl was referred to House because she had a heart attack which is very unusual for someone her age. I was very fascinated with the show until the "chase" character began a rant on the fact that the girls weight was the problem and that no other explanation could suffice in her case and condition. This is not the first episode of House that I have seen that has dealt with the issue of an obese patient. The other episode I watched featured an obese man, and in this episode House himself was the one to immediately attribute the man's symptoms to his weight.

So the other half of this rant comes from the fact that I have been reading a lot of blogs and forum post on the topic of overweight medical students. I know for a fact that I am overweight, but I do not feel that this fact in any way dictates the quality of service that I can provide for my patients. One poster went so far as to say He couldn't understand how his fellow classmates could sit in classes and listen to lectures where they are told repeatedly that being overweight is unhealthy and not do something about it.
Well I would like to say to him " How do you know what they are doing?"
The only interaction that you have with them is the interaction in the classroom, you do not know or can understand what their home situation is like. I have watched people cut back and try to lose weight only to gain 10-20 pounds due to stress and anxiety. It had nothing to do with their overall intake but everything to do with their anxiety levels.
What really angers me about the topic from the doctor and the patient standpoint is that there seems to be nothing that a skinny patient or doctor can do wrong, until you look at the facts. Just because you are underweight does not mean that your cholesterol levels are low, it does not mean that you can't get diabetes, it does not mean that you aren't going to have high blood pressure, and it definitely does not mean that you are healthy. The reverse is also true. Just because you are overweight doesn't mean that your are going to experience any of those things either. I am over weight but I don't have high blood pressure, I don't have high cholesterol, and I don't have diabetes. The consequences right now are stretch marks that I really could do without.
It is only in the last year and semester that I have become very sedentary in pursuit of higher grades and things like graduation. Yes I worry about the things that can occur if you are overweight but I do not believe that my weight is the answer for every medical abnormality that I encounter and I hate to think that physicians think that way. Not only is it narrow minded but it hampers the care process. Can you honestly say that you are giving your patient the best possible care if all you can think about is the fact that they have more weight on them than the average person. Wouldn't that be considered negligence? Think about it.

Oh.... In both of these cases the obesity had nothing to do with their conditions and focusing on weight hindered the diagnosis.
Think on that for a minute.

Christmas Break......

Welll.... winter break has begun and my body still hasn't settled into the slower pace that the break affords me. I have been in prayer a lot lately thinking about the things that I did wrong this semester and thinking about the things that I need to change for next semester. One of the things that I need to do is find a new church. My current church home is going through so much right now and I am unable to feel and breathe in the Word of God there currently, maybe one day soon they will figure out where they have went wrong and bring back the faith and worship.

I am beginning to work on my study in order to be prepared for the next semester and I am going to try to stay calm and unstressed. If anyone has any ideas about stress relievers and things that I might try to keep my stress levels down please let me know???

I was thinking about a new car but I think next semester I am going to try and pay off my credit card debt and put some money in the bank and allow it to grow and gain some interest, I am going to need it over the summer so I think that will be a very good idea for the next semester.

As I continue to pray and meditate on this situation I invite others to keep me in their prayers and to remember that God has a master plan and he always prevails.

Happy Holidays!!!!!

First Semester Finals.......

I know that a number of my fellow classmates read my blog so I will try to entertain you during your study breaks..... hahahaha....
Well anatomy is final over for the year and I know that I am not going to miss it. But I will miss the cracks from Dr. Fields, and the smell of the various cadevars in the lab ( come to think of it I won't miss that.)

But the biochem 4th block exam is coming up and I know that I will be cramming the information into my brain and I know that everyone else will also.... try to find a little more room for a little more information because it will all be over soon.
In other news I can't wait for the holidays, I will get to sleep and eat. Two of my favorite pastimes.
I think I am going to put my car in the shop in the hopes that the things that go wrong will be fixed next semester and I won't have these problems ( engine, power steering, etc.)
Or maybe I will just buy a new one ( hahahahaha) doubt that will happen.
Ok ... I will pray for you if you pray for me. Good luck and happy studying.!!!

Living at Home with the Parent

I thought that moving back home with my mother was going to be easy. Over the years while I was in Tallahassee we had become friends and she was allowing me to live my life. Now that I am back home it is like I never left. This thanksgiving holiday was particularly crazy because my sister was at home for an extended period and it was like my mother completely reverted. She treated me like I was a child and couldn't tie my own shoe laces. Things got so bad I thought about finding an apartment and moving out for the beginning of the year.
When I need her to be understanding all she can be is bothersome and aggravating. Everyone says that they can understand my situation but can they really. They aren't still home with their parents and they didn't hurt their parents feelings when they left because they were moving far away and their parents had to understand.
I don't really want to move because I do not want the bills that I will incur living on my own, but I can't take the harassment anymore..... I really need some advice. If anyone knows of what I should do please let me know because I can't continue this back and forth... this up and down.

Good Men...........

I have heard this over and over that women don't know what they want and that they say they want a good man, but they don't know a good man when they see one. Well I can honestly say that I have met a good man, one that is perfect for me in every way except one. He is entirely to shy. While I don't like to be pressured about the whole sex issue I do enjoy having male attention of the positive sort. I spoke with my cousin today and we talked about how things had been going and she mentioned that her husband was the same way. He would take her out but he wouldn't kiss her and barely held her hand. Then out of the blue one day he kissed her in the parking lot outside of her job and she was sitting there like " What just happened?" I don't blame her because I think if this guy should me any kind of attention I would be totally shocked. But I do like him and I am going to try to repress some of my natural urges in order to allow him to develop in this situation, and maybe I won't mess this up.
Peace

Uggghhhh.......

So I was told a couple of days ago that I wasn't ready to talk to someone because of the things that I write in my blog and that my blog kinda gives them the state of my mind.
Well I took that advice with a grain of salt and went about the Week and my Birthday on yesterday. Well I sent a message to "Z" on his birthday and I kinda expected one on mine.... Of course that didn't happen. But I received a belated one this morning?
As I was sitting at the table last night at dinner and I had to blow out the candle on my brownie I made a couple of wishes ( because I believe in things like that) and I won't tell you what those wishes were because I want them to come true..... But some of them I don't think will.
I know that a lot of the people that have talked to me lately don't think that the frame of mind that I am in is a good one, and I agree. So I get all types of very good encouragement and I take all of it and run with it.
I was talking with my cousin last night and telling her about the people that I was going out to dinner with, every time I mentioned a guy she was like "who is He?"
So I told her that there is no one in my life right now and there probably won't be anyone for another three years. Of Course she went into the " right one is out there for you" spiel. I believe that, but I am really tired of trying to cope with things on my own and family can only support you so far.
So to the person that always reads my blog.... I want to be forgiven for the things that I have done ( even when I didn't know I was doing them) and I have forgiven those things that were done to me.
I'm done for today though
Peaces

Another Late Night Studying........

I am sick and tired of studying..... how much studying does it take for a person to go mad. I took a nap and now I am up trying to get through developmental Anatomy before I go to sleep again. As I come up to the end of this semester I realize that I haven't worked this much since I have been in school. Not even my freshman year when I was freakin out over my Honors Cal I class. I keep having people tell me not to give up ( which I don't think I have done yet), but I am so exhausted and I really want to finish what I started because that is the type of person that I am. Ok... now I am just babbling and I only have 1 page left to go on this transcript so I am going to get off of this computer.

Men and the way Life goes....

So I haven't been blogging in awhile because I have been moderating a discussion on facebook. But I came over to let everybody who doesn't read facebook know whats happening and whats up.
So I didn't make homecoming this past weekend because my car broke down and I was stuck in Mobile, but I took the time and learned some Gross Anatomy instead.
So the topic of conversation today is:
Have you ever been in a situation that made you appreciate a past situation so much more?
I was in a situation like that just the other day, so some of you may or may not know that I don't have sex, which has been a major point of contention in the majority of " relationships" that I have been in. But this weekend the guy that I have been dating recently showed his natural born ass. I mean we are not in a relationship but he wants all sorts of things and some of those things are things that I just don't do and I have never done, and may never will. But he comes out with all this crap and then proceeds to ask me "why does everything have to be my way?"
WTF!!!!
For one nothing we have ever done was only beneficial to myself. So how was everything my way?
Anyway.... that situation is over because I refuse to compromise myself for the craziness, but I started thinking about all the times and the things that I put "Z" through because I was sticking to my ideals, and I realized how much he was giving me. How understanding he was of the situation and how he refused to pressure me into doing anything that I didn't want to do.
So now I'm hurting a little because I feel like in a small ways I was missing all the little things that were really important and now it is too late to apologize and say that I was wrong. ( I'm a big girl ... I can admit that)
And I was definitely wrong in that situation..... So I'm feeling lousy.
But I did get rid of the creep-of-the-week and I don't feel bad about that at all.
Well I need to get back to studying Biochem..... Talk to you later
Peaces.

It's official........

I need a new car....
I am tired of having to find a ride to class when I own my own vehicle...... this makes absolutely no sense that I can't get a new car. My mother won't help me because she thinks that the car that I have is perfectly fine, and she doesn't think that I need a new bill.
but please...... everyone and their mothers can tell that I need a new car ( or a slightly used car) that is not going to break down on me with a turn of the hat.
My current car decided to break down at the worst time.
1. the day before a test..... how was I supposed to get to class to take my test (luckily I have good friends)
2. I was supposed to go to homecoming this weekend, but now with the car out of commission I won't be going
3. I am tired of spending money on repairs.... in the last 4 months I have spent almost $500 on parts and another 200-300 on repairs when you add up all the little things.

I just think that I blew the down payment for my new car fixing the old one and really nothing has been repaired that really need to repaired like the windows, the locks, the sunroof, and the rims ( although the rims are not essential).

To add insult to injury I had to go spend about 3 hours today getting my tag renewed. All I could think about was I was resigning myself to this situation for another year... then I get to the window and the lady takes my check and she asks me for my place of employment...... when I told her that I was currently unemployed ( which I have NEVER had to say before since I was old enough to work) she had the nerve to give me this look like she wasn't going to take my check then she writes unemployed on the check and asks me for a bunch of other information that I don't even think they need.
I was embarrassed and more than a little upset. But I got the tags renewed and I was out an on my way to class.
So the next dilemma that I have is that my mother had me wait until I was unemployed and can't get financing for a car. ( I think this was part of her plan)
But I vow that after the first of the year I will be driving a new car and I won't have the problems that I am having right now with my vehicle.
OK.... that is enough of my vent session.... back to your regularly scheduled program.......

The test......

Well it's official I passed my Devo test...... now it is time to prepare for the other two tests that I have this test block...
Hopefully my car will get fixed and I will be able to go to Homecoming this weekend.....
Everybody pray that these things will be possible......
Peaces

After the Test let Down......

I know everybody feels it.... you have studied for days to take a two hours test and after the test you just want to crash...... Right now I feel like falling over and doing nothing for the rest of the day. But I can't because my car decided to die last night so I am stranded here at the school until I can get a ride home, I also can't go to sleep because we have lab later on today for Gross... and today I would really not like to go to Lab.
I am tired of preparing for test.... I feel like my whole life is one big test preparation. No breaks just preparing for the next test.... and then my brain hurts.... I think I am going to have an aneurysm before I finish this year.. ugghhhhh..... This is just a rambling expression of my disgust with my life right now... I wish someone could save me from myself.
And the saga continues........................................................................................

Inspirational Thought for the Day......

With everyone praying over test and various stresses I thought that this message would be of some inspiration to a number of people who read my blog and my notes. I was directed to this quote from the movie Akeelah and the Bee because this quote inspires me. I hope that it uplifts you.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?'
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
~ Marianne Williamson

So my friends take this inspiration and go and let your light shine for others to see so that they may do the same. And should you forget or doubt just ask yourself, " Who am I not to be?"

Rainy Days in Mobile

I had forgotten how rainy days in Mobile make me feel. I don't want to get out of the bed and I really don't want to do anything for the entire day whether the rain stops or not. I was in my bed this morning and at first I didn't hear the rain so I contemplated getting out of the bed and going to class. So I decided to roll back over and go back to sleep, at the time I didn't know that it was the rain thinking for me. So around the time to go to my second class of the day I wake up and I still don't want to get out of the bed, but I can't miss two classes in a day so I roll over and get out of the bed. I am still confused as to why I don't want to get out of the bed. I get my things together and I head out of the front door. Only to be slapped in the face by the cold ( because you know when it rains the temperature outside drops) so I turn around and I grab a jacket then I head out into the world. So I get into my car thinking that the rain had stopped because I didn't feel it falling out of the sky although I could see that the world was wet. But after I clear my windshield I notice that the water is returning. Meaning that it is still raining and I left me umbrella in the house but I don't have time to go back in and get it so I pray my way to school hoping that when I get there the drizzle will have stopped. But as you can imagine my luck is not that great this morning and the rain only got harder when I got here. So I put on my jacket, grabbed my bags and made a mad dash to the door of the building with flip-flops on. So here I am sitting in class with damp bangs and praying that the weather has gotten better since I have been in class because I am starving and I have to make a food run when I get out of class........ ohhh

First Testing Experience on the Computer.....

We took a practice exam today on the computers for our Gross class. I was really disappointed in the layout of the software. It was very generic and you couldn't annotate or highlight in the program. I don't know what the experience is going to be like when we have 100 questions and they are questions that we haven't really seen before.
Pray for me because this next test is going to be difficult.
In other news I haven't had any sleep and I am slowly beginning to feel the effects. I was driving home today and the only thing that I could think about was "if I can only make it home" because I was just that tired behind the wheel. Add in the 90 degree weather and that just spells disaster. I need to go in the gross lab today but I really don't feel like even looking at that cadaver. My house is a mess and I can't even begin to reclaim it from my mother because I am dealing with studying for these test, so when this test block is over. I am going to throw away everything in that house, and she ain't going to like it.
Peace and Blessing I am tired of typing.

Just Keep Chugging.......

I am sitting here tired of looking at DNA and RNA Transcription and Translation. So I am taking a break to reach out to the real world and relax my mind. I was wondering what the rest of the world is doing with their school year. I don't have time to call people so leave me a comment on the course of your studies (and your lives).
I was sitting with a group of students the other day and I was asking them what did they do before medical school. The group that I was with attended HBCU's and the resounding answer was that they miss attending football games and traveling. I miss my friends from college and I miss the good times that we shared that I don't get to do anymore.... late night trips to walmart, sitting on the set after dark when they turn on the Christmas lights, attending football games, and going to the movies just to unwind.
For anyone that believes that I don't think about them anymore.... know that that is totally untrue because during the four years of college that I endured you were definitely my life line.

The thought for today is that you can do anything that you set your mind to... when your mind is willing.
Encourage yourselves even when no one else will........

Aughhhh......

I have never studied this much in my life. I spent the entire day today studying DEVO. I didn't think that you could know so much about how your fingers develop and how the gyri in your brain develop.
I finally think that I have come to the point that I will have to get a new car. My current car is beautiful and I will probably keep her, but I can't keep taking days to get her fixed. Now its my brakes, the fluid keeps running out in like three days. That is not a good thing. I would really like to stop having to worry about whether or not my car is going to break down on me as I go back and forth to school everyday. So I took a few minutes and reviewed the options that I already have because I think that I will have to replace my car within the next two months, so I might as well start budgeting for the new vehicle... which means less spending......

I have claimed that by my birthday in November that Gas prices will be down to $1.99 per gallon. I wonder what made the gas prices start their sudden decline, but I hope they continue this decline.
If anyone knows what a lissencephaly is let me know.... I need to answer before tuesday..... hehehehe?

Studying.......

I haven't had a chance to write in awhile because I have been studying furiously. I have never studied this much in my life. Every time that I think that I have finally caught up I get another transcript or I can't remember what the last thing I was studying was all about.
There just doesn't seem to be a way to get ahead. I don't even have time to take pictures, I think this is a travesty before nature. Hummph.

So I was thinking about FAMU football......which really isn't football because I only go for the band. But a couple of my former classmates have asked if I am going to attend two of the highlights of the FAMU football season which are the Atlanta Classic and Homecoming.
Unfortunately I have test blocks during both of these events. So I would really feel like a slacker if I took the time off to go, but I really want to go to Homecoming. It would give me an excuse to visit all of my friends and I would get to see those Marching Rattlers one time during the season.
So if anyone has any ideas as to whether or not I should go... leave me a comment.

Rest and ??????

So I took my biochem test today. It wasn't that bad but I wasn't really as prepared for it as I should have been. I think I need to turn up the fire under my studying another 400 degrees. But I don't think that I did that bad on the test.... hopefully.

For everyone that has wished me condolences over the last couple of days I would like to say thank you and I hope that you will continue to keep me in your prayers..... this is very hard and it will take time for me to come out totally but for now I will continue to pray and the one small comfort that I have is that he was meet at the gates by my grandfather and though he was not perfect God had a place ready for him in heaven and he (they) are preparing a place for my entire family when we get home. ( I normally don't let people see the spirit that is in me to this depth, but this is a real moment. If you lost someone recently or in the past know that they have a place and are waiting for you, because that is some extreme comfort)

I hope that everyone is having a wonderful beginning of the school year and that nothing will hinder anyone from finishing out the year....
God Bless......

Post Test Jitters.........

I have one more test to take because I missed the Biochem test on Friday but I already see that I am going to have a bad semester.... I can only pray that the test that I took today goes a little better than I think it went.

How to study better for medical school exams.... if anyone has any suggestions let me know?

Reflections......

I was blaming God for what happened last week and I really wanted to quit everything, I wanted to stop breathing and join him in the everlasting. But slowly I am beginning to see that the ripple effect that would cause would not solve the problem, and it is not what he would want. So I am reflecting on the cruelty of this world that we are living in. I can't put the loss into perspective. How does the world lose someone this young and vibrant, with so many aspirations and dreams. What are our dreams? Are they things that we can actually obtain, are they things that were are supposed to aspire too. I was once told that our genuine ambitions are the manifestations of the God driven plan for our lives. But if this is so why would we not be allowed to reach this destinations. To be close but yet so far away to me is unacceptable. I feel that I need to reach my goals, everyone that I set for myself, and if I was not to reach these goals then I have failed in this life.
Next week will be one of the most trying times that I have ever had in life. Not because I will begin the first of my medical school exams, but because my family is cripple and hurting. My only wish today this first Sunday is for HEALING.
Healing to course through the veins of my soul and also of through the souls of my family members.
Healing for my uncle who lost the only child of his seed, healing for my aunt who lost her baby, and healing for my cousin (his sister) who is lost in a tunnel of despair and is finding it hard to return to us.
I ask that everyone pray a pray of HEALING for my family, and for those who have already, please continue to do so . Thank You.

My broken heart......

Today the world lost an Angel, and I lost my heart.
I can't stop crying and I can't move on. My Cousin died today. My world imploded today. He was my first love, not some boy off the street, but my cousin who looked out for me and was my light.
When I was little I cried for days when they would leave after they came for a visit, because while he was here I wasn't alone. I wasn't sad and I was happy. But when they left I was alone again, I was sad again. He was my pillar and every accomplishment that I made he was proud of. I wanted to quit when I heard the news.
I thought my year was over that there was no way to recover. I kept saying " I don't know what to do".
I really don't know what to, and I don't know that I can recover. How do you recover from this?
I will never be the same again, but I am expected to function like nothing happened.
How does the world lose such an amazing talent and not recoil, not shake, not end.
I look out my window and I wonder how people can continue with their lives when my world is crumbling, falling down around me.
I can't keep doing this.... I am so tired and I keep losing the people around me who genuinely love me and have my best interest in their hearts. The only thing that could hurt worse right now is if I lost my mother or my sister.
I am lost........

My First Test Block

I can not believe that 4 weeks have almost passed in Medical and we are about to begin our first test block. This is serious, ( beginning to hyperventilate) I don't think that I can do it. Beginning Tuesday September 5th I will take my first medical school exams.... beginning with developmental anatomy.
I am totally freaking out, but I don't feel bad because everybody is freaking out.
I thought that I knew how to study and cover all of this information and for most of my classes I do. This Gross Anatomy though is kicking my ass. I mean how can one class be the worst ( comparative anatomy not withstanding) I go into the gross lab and I can not believe that I still don't know everything in the upper extremities of the body, and that I only have another week to learn this information. While that may seem like a lot of time.. Trust me it is not.

I need to buckle down... Stop blogging, stop checking facebook, turn off the TV, stop improving the house and stop answering the phone so that I can concentrate over the next couple of days on the information that I need to cover in a relatively short time. I already have two notebooks of information ( 1 -2" Binder, and 1 11/2" binder) That is more than an entire semester of undergrad course work and we are still getting more information. Please can I take a break.... I just got here and I need a vacation already.

Christmas Shopping

I am starting early trying to figure out what my family wants for Christmas this year. I think I have figured out what my mother wants. She was visiting some relatives a little while ago and was intrigued by the Bose Wave system. I would really like to get this unit for her, but it cost $500. I could purchase the unit now, but I really would like to try and find it cheaper and I am trying to weigh the option of purchasing the Wave radio instead and buying her an MP3 player. Hummm... if anyone know where I can get a unit from without the process being illegal let me know.
Now I still don't know what to get my sister this year, last year I bought her jewelry and she told me to give it back. So I really don't know what to get her. Let me know if anyone has any suggestions on this matter.
ok... I need to get back to listening to the lecture on how to tell patients bad news..... I might need that some day.

AHHHHHHHHH

I can't find enough time in the day to complete the things that I need to get done. I have been working on developmental (embryology) this week and I seem to be making no progress, plus I am getting further behind in Gross because that wasn't the chosen study for the week. Next week was to be dedicated to Biochem and then I was going to go back and review and fix the holes in the rest of the topics before the test. Now I don't think that is going to work. I really feel like I keep "losing" information. Just when I think that I have learned something I get a curve thrown my way, someone will ask me a question and I am just not sure of the answer. Every once in awhile I will stumble upon the correct answer and then I get excited because I feel like I learned something, only to remember that I really didn't know it in the first place and now that is just one more item that I need to commit to memory along with all the other things that I thought I knew. This is beginning to get frustrating. and when I get frustrated I begin to eat, and worry, and lose hair. So by the end of this semester I will probably have gained another hundred pounds and I will have lost all the hair on my head. I have yet to find a rhythm. Nothing is clicking and I am beginning to panic.
But hey this is supposed to be normal and I should be thankful that I know that and that I am still trying to formulate a plan.
But that is enought today, I will keep ya'll posted on the many, many stressful ventures of a medical student..... have fun being normal.

Home Buying and Study Skills

I am feeling kind of lowed today, I studied all night and I am still behind,,,,, help. I really need to catch up. If I don’t then I don’t think that I’m going to be able to make it.
So my father called me today during the break between my lectures. I was shocked because he was calling me about a house that he had found for me. I really would like to buy a house but I don’t know how I would qualify for financing. I mean I am not working right now and I am being supported by student loans. So no documental income, this poses a real problem in establishing a mortgage. So he calls me about a house that is running for about $42,000, but my father is always rushing. He wants me to go there today and look at the house. I really don’t want to get his hopes up or the hopes of the women that is selling the house because I would still need to get financing.

This was the same reaction that he gave me about buying a car; I don’t want that to be the case in this situation. I guess I am a little more mature and I want this at this moment a little less than I wanted a new car.  I was thinking a lot last night while I couldn’t sleep that I really would like to buy the house that is next door to my mother. My uncle tried to buy the house a couple of years back, but the house had just been sitting there rotting and growing over. I would love to buy it and take the time to restore it to an even better condition than brand new. It would be a blank slate that I would be able to do whatever I wanted to it.
Some would say that I would get my money back from the venture, but I think that I would just enjoy the fact that there was a house that I owned and that was exactly what I wanted it to be.
So I am going to go today but I won’t get my hopes up and I will take everything with a grain of salt. Nothing serious.

Not a Complaining Day

I am totally not complaining, but then again I am. A writer needs some motivation. I know a lot of people that read my blog in passing, or in class, or just when they are feeling kinda down and need to know that someone else life is either lower or higher than theirs which ever the case may be. But People, I need motivation to continue to write about my many and varied exploits. So pull out those fingers and leave a girl a comment. Two lines won't kill yah. I would like to thank my regular commenter, girl you make this thing worth while. But as for the rest of you... get to writing.
In other news:

I have officially decided that fate is a cruel, cruel master. I was walking through target ( my favorite store) with my sister and I ran into an old friend that I went to church with most of my life. Now back in the day I had the WORST crush on this man. He was my light ( ok, remember that I was like 10). So I am walking through Target when my sister spots him and immediately starts a conversation. Now all of my old insecurities come back because 1. I still think he is cute. 2. He is a minister. 3. He knows all of my old insecurities (remember we grew up together).
Well, while my sister was talking I was just looking and taking in a couple of things.
1. He was carry one of those little carryalls that I didn't think they even mad anymore and inside was a box of tampons. (this could have been for the females in his family)
2. So of course you look at the hands ladies, a low and behold there was a band. ( I like to cried right there in the middle of target)
So no sooner than I made the obvious assumptions then she rounds the corner. She was this little mousy thing and I was shocked because she was nothing like his previous girlfriends, so he had a made a change there. But he introduces us then proceeds to make it seem like we were so much younger than they were just to ally her fears that we were possible old girlfriends. It was almost funny if it wasn't making me so mad (don't ask me why, because I still can't tell you). So the conversation concluded and we continued shopping, but I couldn't help but feel that I was missing something in my own life, and I would hate to have that feeling every time I encountered an ex, or a crush. Just something that really made me think.... I welcome any and all comments because I non longer have time to contemplate these oddities myself.

The First Week of Medical School

I was not going to write about the first week of medical school, but I think that it would be a release to talk about some of the things that happened this week. I have spent the entire week trying to WARM-UP, and I do mean this literally. That classroom is 40 below everyday. I was thinking about taking a blanket, but I didn't want anyone to think that I was preparing to take a nap during the lecture. But today I saw that some other people were doing the same thing and I think that next week the blanket is coming out.
But thats not what you want to hear, you wanted to hear about how the lectures are going. Well Biochemistry isn't that bad but Gross Anatomy is killer. I find myself still trying to get some understanding in there. I don't have any problems with the lab, but that lecture is out of control. I learned in Gross lab today that a lot of my classmates had never had a practical exam before, so I thank FAMU for making us take all of those practical examinations. So if your sitting there trying to remember those muscles in comparative and you think that you will never see them again just remember that I said you will see them in Gross Lab during the first day.
I hope that this has been helpful because I am tired and I need to review some material. Ciao for now.
P.S.: One more week till the Cheetah Girls II...whooohooo

Worried.......

Should I feel worried. This is the third day of my medical school experience and I feel like I am right back in undergraduate school, only every teacher that I have is like the hellish Comparative teacher that I had at FAMU. The only bright side in this entire thing was that I knew what I was doing when I went into the Gross Lab on yesterday. Gross actually wasn't that bad, I thought that I would feel more about the person that was lying on the table, because at one time they were walking around like me. But after all of the embalming fluids and that way they look I was able to relegate the experience to the same one that I had when I skinned the cat..... ( I was amazed that they smelled the same).

But I really need to get my head in the game, because right now I am slacking.

1st Day of Med School

Today marks the first day of medical school for me, for all of you that I have been wondering how the day has been going let me to tell you.... In one word.....

Borrrring..........

We spent the morning learning Biochemistry and having a Gross Anatomy lecture.... Which Gross is a lot like your general anatomy lecture. I will see how the lab is going to be on tomorrow. I think that Gross is going to be the hardest class that I have this semester.

Previously I said that I would not have done a science major if I had to do the whole shebang over again, but after the lectures that I had today I really appreciate the class that I took in undergrad to get here. Now those of you who know me know that I am not a morning person... so 8:30am classes everyday are going to be a stretch for me.
We are just finishing the Tablet PC discussion... and I still really don't know how to use this thing. But there is always trial and error.
I need to explore this system a little more but so far I really like it.

Its a Family Reunion.......

Well its finally here..... FAMILY REUNION...... I won't be writing for the weekend because this is the weekend of my family reunion. the entire Collins family is in town and we are going to paint the country RED.
Does anyone want a dog ... because this one of mine is driving my crazy.... she got a hamburger squeaky toy and she wants me to play with her so right now she is at my knee staring at me. Oh well.
I am really going through something because I have lost my keys. Between my mothers house and my aunts I have lost them. But I have my spare ( for the car anyway).
Today I received the craziest call... the witch that was the nightmare of my summer called me today and asked if I wanted her to overnite me my final check. Now while this might not seem out of the ordinary... this is the same chick that called campus police on me and my other co-workers... this is the same chick that took it upon herself to tell us that we were terminated two days before the program was over.... but she is calling me like we are the best of friends and she is looking out for me.
That isn't the case... and let me say this.. I am not one to hold a grudge but she has forever left a taint on anything type of association that we might have. She was a leaf in my life. She was taking from the tree (me) and thought that she could do without me.... now she is just blowing in the wind.
I said to another one of my ex-coworkers that she is probably trying to keep her job and that is why she is trying to be nice all of a sudden because she was caught up in her mess, but should she keep her job she is doing nothing but hurting that program and I would never think to work with that program again unless she was not working for them.
I will definitely be working with BEAR next summer. I will be able to stay at home and make money..... as well as help the new crop of future minority physicians... because no one can help us like we help ourselves.
So I hope that you guys don't miss me to much over the weekend.

Sleep.....

How important is sleep to the average American.
Well I have spent the last couple of days trying to establish a rhythm and unfortunately I have not been able to do that. I has been that I have been up until 4:00am then I sleep until 12:00pm or later. But last night was different because I wasn't able to sleep at all. I was up all night and was able to see my mother off to work this morning.
There is obviously a problem with my sleep patterns.
Something is preventing me from finding that point of tiredness that most people find after only a couple of hours in the evening.
I am naturally a night owl, but this is getting ridiculous. I need to get some sleep in the next couple of days so that I will be prepared when school starts.
maybe I am excited or there is just something on my mind that I driving me crazy, but this has got to end.
On a lighter note I have finally figured out what was wrong with the new template that I am using. So now everyone, no matter what browser your using, can see my new template. Take care and enjoy the view.

Friends.....

Hehehehe.... I finally have my friends into town... what does this mean you ask?
What this means is that I have somewhere to be other than my house and people that actual enjoy my company ( wait that didn't sound right)
I feel like I need to jump up and down and turn cartwheels, this is a day of celebration and I have my family reunion coming up...
That just means more food, fun, and family.
I was over my uncles house today and my cousins was commenting on the fact that they have taken the time out to look at my facebook page. This was mildly disturbing because I am not sure if that includes looking at my blog.... hehehe.... they may have found out somethings about me that they weren't ready to see... hehehe.

Its kinda odd sometimes how much your family doesn't know about you. You would think that they knew the ins and outs of everything that you do.... if for no other reason but because your parental unit had informed them. But I have come to the conclusion today that very few people in my family fully comprehend that I am attending Medical School in little over a week. I can hardly believe it myself sometimes.

So the question for today is:
Am I wrong for not wanting to tell people that I am going to medical school?

I could tell people to be braggadocios but that is not the point of this for me.... this is really something that I really want to do. My friend that will be attending school with me made the same comment today that she doesn't like to tell people either.... The reason is because once you tell people things change. The way they look at you change, the way that they interact with you change. This happens with everyone, not just with people of the opposite sex. Either people are intimidated or they look at you as competition. People in this world are so caught up with status that they fail to remember that people are just that people.
So feel free to leave your comments on the topic of whether or not I should tell.
Peaces.

Awright......

Well I finally have DSL and what a wonderful thing it is. I was getting worried because I didn't think that UPS was going to deliver the modem, but they finally brought it today. I am now able to surf the internet and talk on the phone at the same time.
It is getting closer and closer to Family Reunions time. I had the opportunity to meet my cousin who is preceding me in Medical school. She is starting her 4th year and I will be starting my freshmen year. She really has had a lot to contend with over the years. She has a 10 year old son and she is still completing school on time. The advice that she gave me today was not to let other people get me stressed out. Their anxiety is not mine... because I am going to have enough anxiety as it is.
My new favorite movie is Cars. It is a very funny movie.
I think everyone should take the time out to watch a kiddie movie. They have good morals and they are funny too.... a break from trying to understand adult movies.

Currently I am unsure what it is about the settings in this new layout that will not allow it to display properly. I know that it displays differently in IE and Firefox. It displays correctly using the AOL interface.... but I haven't tested the layout with Aol Explorer.So until I can figure out what the problem is please enjoy the content.

Well...Welcome to my world.

DSL Drama....

Whew….
I knew that the minute I decided to order my DSL that I was going to see a better offer to the one that I received directly from the phone company. So I went to Best Buy today to purchase the new Letoya Luckett cd, and what do I see as I am entering the store but a sign about Bellsouth Fast-Access DSL. Right now they are offering a $100 best buy gift card if you sign up in the store.
As usual though I was trying to find out if the deal was better than the one that I was getting from Bellsouth because I could have come home and cancelled my order with them, but of course I couldn’t get any help in the computer dept. and I know that every Best Buy is the same so I don’t know why I expected things to be different at home….hehe.. I did work there now I guess I get to see what being a customer is like.

The poll question for today is what kinda person am I???
This question requires a detailed comment.

Oh well I might try again to find out if the deal is any better… I might be able to cancel and reorder at the store..hmmm…..

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The verdict is still out about whether I like Blogger for Word. I like the convenience of being able to write without logging on, because I’m not always connected to the internet but it keeps having errors when it tries to connect to the server. But everything is prone to having glitches.

Madea.... the story of my life.....

Ohhhh…. Jesus…..
I can’t be watching Madea. That one summed up my life in one segment. She was talking about how people come in your life for a season and for a lifetime. She was talking about some of the same things that I already know about, but I was forgetting that these were things that I really need to remember.
1. You have to love yourself in order for someone else to love you.
2. Everyone that you think your in love with is not the one for you.
3. And that sometimes you just have to walk away.

You know I was really lost to have forgotten things that I have told other people; also things that I learned the hard way once before. I think that I thought that this was a different situation. I have been thinking about “Z” lately. I wanted to reconnect with him because I invested a large part of my life and my soul into him. I lost myself in the situation. I thought that if I compromised more then he would find me more acceptable. Keshia Cole said it best in “Love” when she sang “ I used to think that I wasn’t wild enough” , I thought that if I let him in and allowed him a corner then he would see what he was searching for in me. I thought that if I changed myself then he would be happy and so would I, and even when it was over I couldn’t stop thinking that it was something that I did. I thought that had I given in then none of the things that happened would have happened. But to be frank they probably would have still happened because I wasn’t a “hood chick”. I didn’t want to do or be any of the things that he was looking for. I should have seen that, maybe I thought that the reason things happened to his ex’s was because of him, but now I know that they were just weak minded. Had they been of sound mind they wouldn’t have put up with his mess. He was able to talk them into the things that he did because they had no will. This was why I was such a challenge to him because I was not weak of mind. It’s sad but I had/have to let him go because he is still searching for something that is not me, and when he discovers that everything he could want was right here in me then it will be too late.
Madea also talked about moving on and not harping on your situation complaining that they don’t have a man or that they don’t have a relationship and I know that this is what I have been doing. I know that I don’t need a man to complete me, but I have moments where I lose sight of this fact.

I am going on a talking about relationship hiatus. I don’t need to talk about the blessings that I will reap because everything that is for me is already blessed. I could walk into these orientations and find my husband…. Hahahahaha.

Well since I am not going to talk about this subject anymore I recommend that you rent or buy Madea Goes to Jail.  She has a lot of tidbits for the masses. It will make you laugh and cry and bawl. Not necessarily in that order. (There is also a white man in this movie, preaching like white men do.)
Do we see how blessing come when so unexpected. I was sitting in my room thinking about cleaning out my phonebook on my cellphone and I decided to watch this movie. I was also thinking about sending a teaching message to the aforementioned party and this play stopped all of that.
I think providence is working a mighty work on me, showing me things that I refuse to acknowledge in my own right.
Whew….. This has been a lot to get off my chest and I think that is why my post have been traveling in this thread for awhile.
So I will live you with this thought:
“If someone wants to walk out of your life….. let them go.”

Myspace........

So when the whole Facebook revolution came around I wasn’t resistant because I liked the interface, and I had friends that were using it to network with old and new friends. Now this whole Myspace thing isn’t exactly my cup of tea.
The Top Five Reason Why I Don’t Like Myspace:

1. The interface is messy and confusing…. Nothing has any order and I am all about order.


2. Everyone and the mother can have an account and they can have access to your information


3. There are entirely too many people so you really don’t have great search criteria; it is much harder to find people you know.


4. It is a giant dating service ( facebook was headed in that direction).


5. The world is obsessed with this website and I don’t think that it will last very long.

I am trying to holdout on the whole Myspace thing even though my entire computer networked family has an account.
So I confirmed today that my neighbor is still crushing on me, and this is definitely not something that I wish to encourage, if fact I am trying to shot him down without hurting his feelings. My mother made the comment a couple of months back that she didn’t know what I could be turning down, so I’m trying to be a little more open with her about the state of my relationships. So I told her about what happened and what my sister had said about the whole marriage thing and my mother said and I quote, “He isn’t on your level”. Hehehe.  So all of a sudden my mother is having jokes. Lately there have been a lot of conversations of this nature with my mother. I think that she is trying to decide if she is ready to start dating again. She seems to have a lot of the same feelings and concerns that I have, so at least I know where I get it from.
I know that I am definitely not going to go back to this neighbor but I am beginning to see the correlations in my life to that of my mothers. I am slowly repeating some of the same mistakes that she has made only because I never fully understood why they were made.

So in a conversation with my mother today I learned that everyone thinks that I’m prissy now. In the past I might have felt bad about this label, but now I don’t feel that way. I think that this new attitude is characteristic of the changes that are occurring in my life. One it’s going to deter people whom I don’t need to associate with in the first place, secondly it will put me in a position to converse with those individuals who can help me make so much more of my self.
Even my little cousin is beginning to emulate me, but she finds herself at odds with the person that she is and the person that I am. She wants to be more like me but is unsure how to go about that. She spends so much time with her brother that she has become a tomboy and she can’t reconcile the differences.
Two weeks and counting until the beginning of the rest of my life….hehehe.
Peaces…..

Boundaries

So where is my motivation? In the next couple of days I will have to start living my life on someone else’s schedule.  There won’t be time to put together any of the things that I really need for school, so when will I find the time. I really need to learn to be a little more selfish about my time. My mother thinks that I need to run to see my grandmother everyday. But unfortunately I haven’t been living my life like that for the last four years and I can’t begin to do that now. Don’t get me wrong I am not saying that I don’t want to see my grandmother, but I am saying that I am not going to do it everyday.
The other thing is my general procrastination. I can’t seem to shake it but I’m going to have to.
I ordered my DSL today. I was hoping that they would have more discounts but they didn’t. This means that in a week I will be able to be online a lot more. Hooray.
I have been spending the last couple of days trying to re-connect with my friends here in Mobile. We seems so different, our lives over the last couple of years have diverged so much. I know that it is possible to cope with these changes but I am not sure how these friends are going to fit into the “new” me.  The things that I am reaching for they will not or cannot understand.
I was talking to my mother and she mentioned the fact that my neighbor asked her what he had done because he felt that I never talk to him anymore. The background information to this situation is that we used to date and he told my sister over a month ago that he was going to marry me if I act right…. Funny right.

Anyway the problem is that he doesn’t do anything for me anymore. We are in two totally different places. I can’t visualize him anywhere in my future and right now that is what I really need to be looking at who can fit into my future.
He doesn’t have a job, sits around the house all day, and he is friends with one of my other ex’s and I refuse to have ex drama.
He seems so hurt when I see him…. And it didn’t help that I saw him before my mother told me about this conversation and he spoke but all I did was wave. But I don’t want encourage him anyway.

I need to get out and explore the city so that I can find places to hang-out. I need to meet new and interesting people who do not reside in my neighborhood.  Possibly the love of my life is out there somewhere sitting in a café with a good book…. Waiting for me to walk through the door and strike up interesting conversation. Hahaha. I really crack myself up. God I need a boyfriend….. at least then I can talk about the relationship and not about the things that trifling boys do.
Peaces…..

On Ex's and Relationships

I slept the entire day today. I was hoping to get a lot of things accomplished but that didn’t happen.
The topic of the conversation today is what happens when you come face to face or face to picture with the person that is currently dating your ex or was the last person that your ex was seeing.
Well today I was randomly checking my facebook like I always do and I decided to follow the tips that some of my friends had been giving me and I came across through deduction and a vary obvious picture, the girl that he has been talking to.
I can’t be upset about it because we haven’t talked in a very long time, at least not in that fashion. But it is very interesting that she is nothing like me.
When I say nothing like me, I do mean nothing. The only thing that we have in common is our skin tone. So maybe he just has a thing for dark-skinned girls.
I don’t know it just reminded me of all the doors that I need to be closing before school starts. I know that my destiny is not to be alone, but I am reminded of what one of my students said to me this summer. She said that a relative of hers told her that because she was so independent that she was going to be rich and live in a large house all by herself. This is not the future that I see for myself, but I have begun to wonder if there will ever be anyone that can meet the requirements that I have set forth.
Whenever I find someone that meets even a ¼ of what I require and I decided to forgive the rests they show just how important the rest is… and I find myself wishing that I had held out just a little longer.
The rest of the world will probably agree with me when I say that there is nothing pleasant about trying to make an impossible situation work.
So I have given up…… My new philosophy is that I am not looking for a relationship…. I would like to go out but I refuse to commit unless he asks and he meets all the requirements that I set aside.
NO RELATIONSHIPS ONLY FRIENDSHIPS!!!!
Men do it all the time and maybe they have the right idea….
Well until I feel the need to vent again……

Jobs and Closure

I used to think that my job made me, that it determined where I was in life. Now don't get me wrong... It's not that I was snobby or anything. I just felt that the better the job that you had at the time the better your outlook on your future was. I felt that you moved up in your career in the hopes of brighter things and new beginnings.
The thing that I have realized over the last couple of weeks is that your job doesn't make you happier or put you in a position for bigger and better things. I was always told by my mother who raised me that if you have to leave a position leave on a good note but in the past situation that seems like it isn't going to be an option.
I felt like I needed closure like I needed to know why this happened if it was something that I could change. But morally I think that I would have felt worse if I had changed who I was in the hopes of holding on to something that I really didn't want to holdon to.

I am entering a new phase in my life where I have to realize that what the world does to me doesn't matter ( that is as long as it is not causing me bodily harm). Nothing in the workplace is personal and that is what everyone in the workplace has lost sight of. I worked for a six-week program and was let go two days before the program was over. What kind of sense did that make, if anything you crippled yourself. While I could be hurt and upset and take things personal I won't because that was the effect and purpose of the whole ordeal. if anything she has given me two days of rest in a city that I am quite fond of ( for vacationing), and I am going to enjoy them.

So on a lighter note I start Medical School on Aug. 14th and I am so excited. I will be fulfilling the goals that a lifetime of dreaming has realized for me.
This is the start of a whole new beginning so I think I will make some resolutions:
1. I resolve to lose weight because the only thing I will have to do is read for school so I can do some reading on the treadmill. ( hahaha..... but I'm serious)
2. I will spend a lot more time at church because they miss me and I miss the connection that my church family helps me to achieve.
3. I will volunteer more....( haven't had time.. but I'm going to make some)
4. I will study, study, study.

Ok I'm done resolving because it is tiresome. I am removing my feelings from the equation.
More to come later though... as always.

Crazzzyyy Chiren

I am stuck in the madness in the "A". The children that I am working with this summer are really on some different stuff.... they are unmotivated and just looking for the next party. Unfortunately this was not what I had signed up for. When Crunch time comes they should buckle down and do what needs to be done. Instead they complain..... I don't know what's wrong with this generation.

So I have some serious dilemmas in the male sector. First I have been dreaming about Z. That is not a good thing because it makes me want to call and just talk to him. So I was sitting in my room last night talking with a friend and they were like " why don't you just call him". I mean to me that sounds great because I really would like that opportunity to talk with him again, but I know that it would probably not be a good idea and among everything else I might get hurt again..... But there are definitely some strong feelings still there.
The other person that I cannot explain is "R", he has been playing the relaxed," i'm working hard" card. But I know that he is still talking to some girl that goes to Brenau and that he will not tell me about her because he doesn't want me to know or he feels like has something to lose. Although right now we don't have much of anything anyway.

Since I have been in the "A" I had come across two new individuals to add to the mix. Both of their names begin with "B" so my nomenclature isn't going to work. But the first one is older, loves kids ( which is why he is working for this program), and just generally handsome. The other is younger (very young), sweet, and generally a flirt.

The problem with the younger "B" is that he is a flirt and I can't reconcile his playfulness with being just that"playfulness". Secondly he is extremely young and that has caused me to pause because I really didn't think that he was that young. Let's just say that if I wanted to go out with him we couldn't go because of his age.
The problem with the older "B" is that he really is playing games and his is denying everything... so even though I really like him I can't live with the games. Thats the whole reason that I had to leave "Z" alone and I refuse to place myself back in the same position on purpose all over again. ( but he is so adorable)

I think that I have reached that point where I am tired of being alone again...... but I don't want to talk to someone for all the wrong reasons. I really wish that this was easier.

AWWW....what a Summer

Well the quiet and uneventful summer that I have planned for myself is definitely not turning out that way. I am basically at this point stuck in Atlanta because the fans on my radiator are not working. So I can't drive my car at all. Added to that the program that I am working for is entirely disorganized and yet I was expecting something more. Ohh well.
I already have a student that is ready to go home. I really don't know how to handle this situation because I really want them to feel like family and to enjoy themselves while they are here.
If I can only remove myself from the running of the program then we could bond a little better with our girls. But yet again we are here in the wee hours of the morning trying to avert another crisis.
Well I am through venting for the morning.... I hope I don't die from an aneurysm this summer.

My Summer Job....

So I started my summer job today and already it been Borrinng!!!! I went to the training sessions and while the information was very informative. The speaker just couldn't hold my attention. I was constantly nodding off. Although the morning session could probably be blamed on the fact that I am not a morning person.. there was no excuse for the afternoon session other than he was impossibly boring. The sad thing is that he is a preacher so I would hate to go to his church because I probably wouldn't be able to stay awake to hear the message.

So hopefully tomorrow I will be able to take possession of the room that I will be spending the next six weeks living in. I'm sure that I will have a better attitude when I can go behind closed doors and just scream to myself. Ohh welll.

I kinda miss home already, although I only think that I miss home because I just started getting used to the atmosphere again. it won't last I assure you. I will begin to have fun and the time will just start slipping away.

Famu has still not sent me my diploma if I didn't know better from my grades and pictures I would think that I didn't just graduate from that institution of higher learning. But when I get that piece of paper... ohhh man watch out.

I have truly become a slacker over the last couple of weeks. Waiting until the last minute to do everything. ( Although now I'm missing the ability to just sleep in everyday , but I guess I am preparing myself for the commute to South everyday with no exceptions)

I really think that I should change the name of my blog... Considering that I have graduated and am now officially an alumnae of Famu. ( Well atleast when I finally get my diploma)
Can you tell that this whole diploma thing is a sore spot for me.... I am already planning where to hang it.

It is officially time for me to meet someone new because I have started to thinking about old romances and that simply can't happen..... why you ask?
Because.................
When you start to think about your old romances you start doing crazy things like:
1. picking up the phone on numerous occasions and almost calling that bastard that broke your heart unfeelingly just a few months prior.
2. Calling up your friends in the hopes that they can tell you something about your ex's who are either committed or married so that you can feel better about the fact that you weren't the one or that they are the ones getting played now instead of the other way around ( actually this one isn't so bad.)
3. The memories..... now these are the absolute worst because the human mind ( especially this one) will not allow you to remember in detail the bad times but it will let you remember every touch, comment, and feeling that you had in the really, really good times ( especially the moment when you realized just how much you cared about that person.

Ok... enough just writing this is going to set me back off down that road again... and I really don't need to go there.
So I say........
Peaces

Summer Blues

I have been sitting around in my mothers hot house trying to figure out what to do with myself. Best Buy finally did it and I am no longer employed by them. I also have no summer school plans or programs and I really don't know what to do with myself... well atleast not for another week. Next week I will be in Atlanta in the hot southern sun helping someone else get the same education that I got in the hopes that they can achieve the same sort of success that I have achieved. I really don't know what to pack!!!!

For those of you who know about my money woes of the last semester you will be pleased to know that I have finally received my money back and everything is peachy again. I know that God is truly good because I received this money back at a time when I was down to my last. So now I have travel money and enough money to get me through until I can get my first paycheck from the program.

So ..... now we can talk about the men in my life......
You know how you come home and old flames try to start things with you because they haven't seen you in awhile.. well that is just the beginning of my problems. So long, long time ago I made the ultimate mistake of dating within my neighborhood. Well this is blowing up in my face because they are both friends now. So I am sitting in my car about to get out the other day when one of the bastards sits in the doorway ( he is a skinny bastard he can do that) anyway before I can get out two words the other bastard passes the door pouting.... Men are so predictable. Now the one that sat in my door is the aggressive one... he is always causing trouble. The other one is quieter one of the laid-back, down to earth individuals who really wouldn't fight for anything. Now the problem with both of them is that they are in their late 20s and have no real future. They are still living at home with their parents and they don't have real jobs. The quiet one goes to work with his father every now and then because his father does odd landscaping work.... but I repeat this is not a real job.
Anyway the quiet one wants to marry me ( I told you he was the serious type) but I really don't want to marry him..... why because I repeat he has no future and I refuse to add baggage to my ship. The man I marry needs to bring his own porters to the ship.
Anyway so the aggressive one did this just to get at the quiet one. I refuse to let them use me in their little feud.

So there is this guy that when I was little I really didn't like... kinda nerdy with issues but now he is moving and shaking... but I don't really think that I like him like that.
But you know that they person that you marry is not that person who is your general type especially when the people you pick for yourself are all wrong for you. Anyway this person has the full endorsement of my mother because he fits the description that is set forth above for a good guy. But I still don't know so I will wait and see. (the goofy smile not withstanding he really can be an okay guy).

Ok enough rambling because I'm bored I will talk to ya'll later.

Day 15.......

I have officially been an almuna of Florida A&M University for 15 days. I really don't know what the feel is that I have. I finally went into Best Buy today to get my job.. I bit the bullet and went to see if I could get it... I don't like to be broke so I had to.
I need to be typing my Resume for Math/Science, can you believe that I filled out an application and they still want a resume. I think this is crazy because I really don't have that much to put on a resume.
Well I think I am done right now so I'm going to call it a night.

The day before the End....

Today I took Two finals and tomorrow morning I will take the last and final exam that I will hopefully ever have to take at Florida Agricultural and Mechanical University. On May 2nd I will be safely back home in Mobile still celebrating with my family members and looking for a short summer job, before I spend a month in Atlanta helping the Kiddies.
Tomorrow I will go through graduation exercises. It feels kinda weird because quite a few of my friends are leaving tomorrow to go home, and I can remember the push that I have had in the past to get away finally. But now I can't leave and I really am not ready to pack up and move out.
Don't get me wrong I am ready to go home, but I am not ready to leave my friends for the final time. Hey yeah I can come back and visit and of course I will but it's not the same as calling Marissa and asking her to go to the movies, or hopping in the car with Kiana and Jessica and going to the club and wild'n out. Yeah there will be homecomings and yeah there will be home football games and of course the Orlando Classic...... but there will be no more Saturday nights. No more marathon talking sessions, no more roadtrips where all of my money starts disappearing from my bank account and my friends think I am going to lose it only to have to money returned on that Monday, no more dinners and campus activities, no more Jones Hall, and no more 90.5 wamn.

I will miss the probates and the dance-offs, the pageants and the elections, the late night studying for comparative anatomy and histology, the plays in the Winterwood theatre, and the movie nights in Lee hall.

I will miss the parties in the bowling alley, and especially "Set Fridays".
I will even miss the Orange Room even though they employ some of the rudest workers in the world.

I have enjoyed my experience here and I wouldn't change it for the world. I can't imagine what the next few years will hold for me but I have truly enjoyed the last 4.

So to all of my friends that have asked why aren't I happier or why aren't I sad, I say because I will miss you and the times that we have spent here, the lesson we have learned and the friends that we have lost along the way.
I have not shed a tear because if I start I may not know how to end.........

Finals Begin.....

I can definitely feel the senoritis setting in. I should be studying right now but I really don't want to look at another book.
My user has already called me tonight trying to get my notes. Obviously he hasn't done anything to study for this test and expects me to help him. The answer is an emphatic NOOOO!!!.
What do I look like. I am struggling just like he is, but I am doing my work and making sure that if nothing else my teacher knows that I have been working hard for my grade. Not this wankster.
I think I might ignore his phone calls if he calls me again tonight, I am really not in the mood.
I would like to remind everyone not to be like me,
study, study, study!!!!

My room is horrible because I have started packing to go home. This I can't really feel right now. I can't imagine that this is the last weekend that I will live in Tallahassee. My geographic location is returning to some normalcy...hehehehe

So my journey to self discovery has been going well, I no longer have on the rose colored glasses that I had been wearing for the last two years to protect my heart.
Now that the heart has been broken it is easier for me to see the reasons why I felt that the situation was uncomfortable. Why I wasn't really happy about the situation. I won't go into details but I was settling and settling hard and right now I feel that I would rather be alone than to settle for someone who can't see the potential in me. I need someone to build me up because the next few years are going to be some hard ones.

I would like to thank Chris for encouraging me to come back to Atlanta this summer. I will be in the city and living LARGE, while helping the children. (Just kidding)
But hey if your going to be in the A hit me up because I do plan to relax a little more than I have during the school year.

So I broke down and purchased some "school gear" from the bookstore. See what you have to understand is that the merchandise in the bookstore is horribly over -priced. So I got an alumni t-shirt and I got a key chain that will be attached to the keys of my new car. I think I'm going to try and get my mother to buy me some more t-shirts at graduation. I need to be able to represent for this education that I have fought so hard to get.

Enough of me rambling I need to get back to studying... wish me luck.
Peaces

Monday.. The Beginning of Hell Week

Well I just made it through Monday here in Finals week. I can already tell that the rest of the week is going to be an adventure.
I picked up my honor cords today and I went to the Bookstore and bought some Famu Apparel. I have to represent when I go to Atlanta this summer. I can't let the kids think I don't have any school spirit.
I need to be studying for my test first and foremost I need to read... so I am going to leave this blog alone and hop to it.
Peace

Easter 4/16/06

Let us all take time out and remember the rising of Our lord and savior Jesus Christ. The message this Easter Sunday was ...and Peter. Basically Peter failed Christ 5 times during the night after the last supper and as most humans would think Peter thought that God no longer held him in favor. But the Angel of the lord said to the two Marys early on Sunday morning " go tell the disciples ... and peter that the lord is risen"
This is a message to us that though we may fail in our Christian journey God stills wants us to know the good news and know that he still loves us and cares for us and wants us back within the fold.

So remember today that God loves you and that you are important to him. Take a moment today and remove all of the worldly thoughts from your mind and focus your attention on him for indeed this day he has RISEN.

April Karma

This is supposed to be that month that everything is going to come up roses because I'm about to graduate and unfortunately nothing is going right.
I might fail my Biochemistry II class and its not offered again until the spring ( oh hell no)
I missed out on paying for a test that doesn't count but I was supposed to take to graduate ( that shit is not going to fly)
I am having some of the most severe back pains that I have ever had. ( call me a chiropractor)
I almost missed taking my yearbook pictures because I have to work and go to class ( no duh)

So here I am in desperate need of a vacation with two weeks ( finals week included) left in the month and in school and nothing absolutely nothing is going right. I neeed a beach day.... so to all of my friends the first place we are going when I get back to Mobile is the Beach....... no complain... it is sand ad sun for me.

People who are bigger than themselves

This post is specifically addressed to people who feel that they are more than what they really are or they have power over someone.
The answer to the above is that this is so not true. If I could I would stick my foot so far ( well you know where this is going)
There is absolutly no reason in my life that I should have to put up with this kinda attitude especially not in my workplace...
Enough venting for today..... I need to leave this alone before I get really angry at work and actually do something about the way that I am feeling right now.

Wow.... Life can be good

I having been visiting alot of my friends lately and the recurring theme has been that men in Tallahassee aren't about anything. I was sitting with one of my friends and she was talking about how she had given up on finding anyone in Tally. She was going to wait on God because that is where the message in the ministry was leading her. I listened to alot of the things she had to say and realized that in alot of ways we are in the same place in life. I'm waiting on him but right now I don't want to be alone or lonely.
So the 1st question that I have to ask is what is lust?, and do all of us meaning most females confuse lust with love?
I pose this question because alot of the engagements that I have seen over the last two months are based on what I considered to be the lust factor. He satisfies me in some way so that must mean that we are right for each other. Like he provides me with money or he satisfies me in the bedroom... things like that. Are these really reason to marry someone or just excuses for lusting after something that keeps us from being lonely.
So what happens when we do confuse lust for love, how do we see that real thing and does anyone really know what that real thing is.??

My 2nd question is how do we know when we are turning away Mr. Right?
As females with have the option to choose with whom we spend our time and how much of that time we choose to spend with someone. But how do we know that the person we just refused to give our number too was not the person that fit all those characteristics that we are looking for in a man. Not to say that we are supposed to give our numbers to every Tom, Dick, and Harry, But are we really being too picky and eliminating options that might be right for us.
My mother, in another clarifying moment for me as to how she views me, made the comment that based on the type of man that I currently have been wasting my time on, what was I turning away. Not much really, especially here in Tallahassee.
But this comment allowed me to realize that my mother thought I was overly picky, and yet she has never seen anyone that I have rejected nor has she known much about the men (whoops, I meant boys) that I have dated. ( That is a problem that will be corrected very quickly... you want to talk to me... come meet my mother I want to know what she thinks of you first)

I have shied away from the bringing my relationships into the family light because my family is extremely overprotective and yet I have found them not to be too far off in their assessment of a persons character, and trust if my uncles don't like someone they will tell it. The paradox here is that my uncles don't want me with someone but think that I am weird because they haven't seen anyone.

Anyway. I am still on my road to self recovery from this horrible Monday.... But I have never had a better post-traumatic experience.

Fucked up Mondays....

Men are so fucked up. Yeah I said it. I am tired of trifling men. For once I want one to prove me wrong. To stand up and admit when they are wrong just like I can. I am tired of the double standards. No you are not right because you say so.......
I admit I was wrong for going against every damn thing that my head was telling me
1. Don't let this nigga try you because your friendship means more ( didn't listen to that)
2. Don't spend the night in the nigga bed ( didn't listen to that)
3. Don't catch feelings for this nigga because he ain't about shit ( definitely couldn't control that)
4. Don't sleep with him because he can be trifling ( and what happens I closer than I have ever let anyone)

And what does this bastard do with the equivalent of 3 years of my life. He basically says fuck that I have "finally found someone".
and get this the bastard expects me to be happy for him and I quote " If you were a true friend you would be happy for me and I am glad that you finally showed your true colors" What the fuck!!!!

I am not a teenager and I don't have a teenage mentality. If he really wanted to be a man about this he could have called me and talked to me instead of sending that shit in a text message and two a real man would have had this conversation in person......

So to that nigga if he happens to read this FUCK YOU!!!! Grow UP!!!!! and be a man.
I don't ever want to talk to you again because you tried to flip your bullshit back on me....... unfuckingacceptable.
I am going on hiatus to find myself again and to get rid of this fucking punk that I have become.

New York, New York

As I am sitting here.. I am blogging from the heart of New York City. It was a harrowing journey ( my 1st plane ride) but I made it.
Since arriving I haven't done a whole lot but I have enjoyed spending time withmy family and learning about their lives.... I mean I barely have time to call people as it is so these Face to Face encounters are truly amazing and enjoyable.
So as I stare out the window at a bridge that right now I don't know the name of ( I will find out later) I wish to outline what I have been told is imperative that I accomplish here in New York.
1. I have to eat a Hot Dog from a vendor on the street ( although my cousin has told me that that is the best way to get sick because the water that they dip the hot dogs in is dirty)
2. I was told that I have to eat a pizza by the slice... not the whole pie because that defeats the purpose, and not from a national chain like papa johns, or dominos which do exist here.
3. I have to shop, shop, shop, although unfortunately my funds this time around are not conducive to the shopping, oh well maybe next time.
4. I personally would like to see the large Best Buy's that they have here... specially the one in Manhattan. (Hopefully.. before I quit the company anyway.)

Hey... I am on vacation and I am open to just about anything. This apple will be my oyster. hehehehe.

But can you believe one of my teachers gave me homework over the break.. Outrageous I tell you. Oh well I am never off that grind. Never.

Tired Monday....

I woke up late this morning and I thought that this would be the beginning of another bad.. bad ... week. I went to a body shop today with the owner of the vehicle that hit me on Monday, so i should be getting my bodywork done on my car on Wednesday...
I went to work and finished the stuff that I wasn't able to get around to on last week because I was sick. So first thing on Wed. I should be able to begin putting a dent into the pile of research that I had almost decimated. Over the course of the last week I have come to the conclusion that I want and truly deserve a new car.

This morning my sister was in a car accident on her way back to school from her birthday weekend in Mobile. I really need to get some pictures of her car because they are already trying to jip her on getting her car fixed up there in Huntsville. She has been sending me pictures of parts but I really don't even know what she needs to fix her vehicle.

Hopefully for her this won't be a bad week like the one that I had on last week.

I'm Sick

So its official I have been laid up for a day and a half with this cold and I still feel bad... This is just the icing on an otherwise horrible week.... first my car gets hit.. then I get sick and everybody and their mommy trying to call me just to talk. Definitely time to start making some changes in my life.

Whatever happened to looking both ways

Ok you guys.... it has happened again. For the second time this school year I have had some pea-brained idiot hit my car.
So i'm trying to get to the Post Office so that I can mail off the last of my secondary applications when I pull into the parking lot there is this minivan that I trying to exit its spot in front of me. So I wait patiently for the van to complete backing out. All of a sudden the car that was parallel to mine decides that this is a good opportunity from them to start backing out (what the fuck). I honk to let the idiot know that I was behind them but they proceed to back up. So before I can put my car in reverse this idiot has hit me... and then proceeds to keep coming.. pushing my car. So now the grill off the front of my car is in my backseat... my headlight looks like it wants to pop out and I have a dent in the side of my car... not to mention my bumper which is hanging off slightly.

This is just another thing to add to all of the bad things that has happened to me in the month of February. Not to mention that I was headed to take time off at work... and so I called because I didn't want to miss my supervisor and the heifer proceeds to tell me that a lot of people want the time off that I am requesting.... well unfortunately I am the most senior employee in that department and she can mess around and not give me my time .... well I won't be there anyway.. I have already made plans and I will be at the top of the country... Oh well... I can't believe that mess. I have worked every spring break since I became employed at best buy... sorry not this year... and I am not going to quit. For one I am not changing my availability and two I am calling in any day that she decides to schedule me if she doesn't give me my time off.

See the world is conspiring against me.

Wonders....

Have you ever felt so out of control..... because things that you want depend not on the actions that you take but on the feelings and whims of others. I have spent my entire college career trying to obtain something that is very hard to obtain in the college setting.. Now I have one more chance before I graduate, I really would like to hope that this time around I have played my cards well and the next step will be into my goal... but then some small insecure part of me starts to question whether I have exposed myself enough...
I know that my goal is obtainable later on but now would be an excellent time... before my time here is up.

So S>>>> asked if he could come over and research with me.. what kind of question is that. I mean that is so assinine that one would assume that he was trying to hit on me, but I don't think that is the case. That only means that he had to be serious... which again makes absolutely no sense. I need focus... Ohhh and did I mention that he didn't show up. thus effectively wasting my time..... hmmm.

Nothing Good ever stays that way.

So I thought that I would be able to make some money by "investing" the small amount that I had into a program that some friends of mine were involved in. I guess this make what they say about everything the glitters isnt gold. So the program folded and I'm probably out the money that i put into the program. The good thing is that I didn't put as much as I wanted to in, but I could really use that money back. The funny thing is that I waited until I had seen my friends get their money back a couple of times before I decided to put my money in, just to be sure that it was going to work and that you do get your money back. I just wish that I had waited a little longer because I would still have my money.

So now I have to figure out how i'm going to replace this money.... any suggestions?

New Movie... New Questions

So I went to see Last Holiday ... excellent movie. It got me to thinking about the things we ( specifically me) do because (1) we are afraid to explore them (2) because they are generally the correct thing to do.
So my question to myself is am I hiding... I think I am a little... I think I am hiding behind a future... and good grades...
I think I might need to ask myself if I was going to die tomorrow have I lived a full life.... do I have any regrets (personal).

Made is the greatest....

First Test of the Year!!!

Biochemistry.....Awwww
Whoever came up with this subject needs to be shot...... this is cruel and unusual punishment. So here I am at 6:00 in the morning trying to finish studying for this test ( of course I am not really studying because I am on the computer typing this blog)

I had a wonderful weekend with my mother.. considering that she crashed my laptop and I had to go pick it up... But the epiphany that I had on the way back to tallahassee is that I might be able to get the laptop that I really want if I am still under manufactures warranty for the one that she crashed. So everyone pray with me that that is the case.

Well back to studying........ ( oh joy)

A New Start

So spring semester has begun and already I have started my manic traveling. Anyone with a local that they would wish for me to visit please leave me a comment so that I can put in an appearance... although remember that I am on a budget and cannot travel outside of the southeast region with financial assistance.
So this Blog is dedicated to my girl Tamara because she said that I haven't blogged in awhile and she was waiting to see what I had to say next... well girl I'm going to be needing to see some comments so that I know your watching... you know I am all about that positive reinforcement.

Don't you just hate that feeling that you feel that you are being used... that someone is taking just a little bit more than you are readily willing to give. Well for the past week that is how I have been feeling. Someone is truly intruding on my pt ( personal time). I don't know how I am going to handle that situation but I will keep you informed on the outcome.

So last weekend I spent a wonderful time with some friends and family in Atlanta.. Now most people would think that we went out to the club or did some serious shopping but this was not the case. (Mainly because funds were limited due to the fact that I have yet to receive my net check from FAMU but that is to be expected).
But just like the black folks we are we had fun without funds.. choosing to show our asses and photograph the evidence ( look for the pictures coming soon)

I know I said that I wasn't going to make any resolutions but I am resolving to be more assertive because I can't let life run me I need to run my own life ( Thanks Tamara for reminding me)
Peace... Until I feel like writing again.

Spring Semester.... Ohh so much closer to Graduation

So I haven't written in awhile and I am truly sorry about that. This is a new year and while I don't believe in New Years resolutions I have decided to drop about 30 pounds before graduation...
The problem is that I never have time to workout... which brings me to my next topic..... who in the world allowed me to sign-up for 15 hours my senior year... I must have bumped my damn head.

I'm going to be in Atlanta tomorrow...whoohoo... thanks tiffany.
So I hope to have a relaxing three day weekend... and school just started...

Talk to me.... New Year ... New Me... But no resolutions I swear.

This is me at Christmas... don't I look excited.