Monday, July 31, 2006

Awright......

Well I finally have DSL and what a wonderful thing it is. I was getting worried because I didn't think that UPS was going to deliver the modem, but they finally brought it today. I am now able to surf the internet and talk on the phone at the same time.
It is getting closer and closer to Family Reunions time. I had the opportunity to meet my cousin who is preceding me in Medical school. She is starting her 4th year and I will be starting my freshmen year. She really has had a lot to contend with over the years. She has a 10 year old son and she is still completing school on time. The advice that she gave me today was not to let other people get me stressed out. Their anxiety is not mine... because I am going to have enough anxiety as it is.
My new favorite movie is Cars. It is a very funny movie.
I think everyone should take the time out to watch a kiddie movie. They have good morals and they are funny too.... a break from trying to understand adult movies.

Currently I am unsure what it is about the settings in this new layout that will not allow it to display properly. I know that it displays differently in IE and Firefox. It displays correctly using the AOL interface.... but I haven't tested the layout with Aol Explorer.So until I can figure out what the problem is please enjoy the content.

Well...Welcome to my world.

Friday, July 28, 2006

DSL Drama....

Whew….
I knew that the minute I decided to order my DSL that I was going to see a better offer to the one that I received directly from the phone company. So I went to Best Buy today to purchase the new Letoya Luckett cd, and what do I see as I am entering the store but a sign about Bellsouth Fast-Access DSL. Right now they are offering a $100 best buy gift card if you sign up in the store.
As usual though I was trying to find out if the deal was better than the one that I was getting from Bellsouth because I could have come home and cancelled my order with them, but of course I couldn’t get any help in the computer dept. and I know that every Best Buy is the same so I don’t know why I expected things to be different at home….hehe.. I did work there now I guess I get to see what being a customer is like.

The poll question for today is what kinda person am I???
This question requires a detailed comment.

Oh well I might try again to find out if the deal is any better… I might be able to cancel and reorder at the store..hmmm…..

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The verdict is still out about whether I like Blogger for Word. I like the convenience of being able to write without logging on, because I’m not always connected to the internet but it keeps having errors when it tries to connect to the server. But everything is prone to having glitches.

Madea.... the story of my life.....

Ohhhh…. Jesus…..
I can’t be watching Madea. That one summed up my life in one segment. She was talking about how people come in your life for a season and for a lifetime. She was talking about some of the same things that I already know about, but I was forgetting that these were things that I really need to remember.
1. You have to love yourself in order for someone else to love you.
2. Everyone that you think your in love with is not the one for you.
3. And that sometimes you just have to walk away.

You know I was really lost to have forgotten things that I have told other people; also things that I learned the hard way once before. I think that I thought that this was a different situation. I have been thinking about “Z” lately. I wanted to reconnect with him because I invested a large part of my life and my soul into him. I lost myself in the situation. I thought that if I compromised more then he would find me more acceptable. Keshia Cole said it best in “Love” when she sang “ I used to think that I wasn’t wild enough” , I thought that if I let him in and allowed him a corner then he would see what he was searching for in me. I thought that if I changed myself then he would be happy and so would I, and even when it was over I couldn’t stop thinking that it was something that I did. I thought that had I given in then none of the things that happened would have happened. But to be frank they probably would have still happened because I wasn’t a “hood chick”. I didn’t want to do or be any of the things that he was looking for. I should have seen that, maybe I thought that the reason things happened to his ex’s was because of him, but now I know that they were just weak minded. Had they been of sound mind they wouldn’t have put up with his mess. He was able to talk them into the things that he did because they had no will. This was why I was such a challenge to him because I was not weak of mind. It’s sad but I had/have to let him go because he is still searching for something that is not me, and when he discovers that everything he could want was right here in me then it will be too late.
Madea also talked about moving on and not harping on your situation complaining that they don’t have a man or that they don’t have a relationship and I know that this is what I have been doing. I know that I don’t need a man to complete me, but I have moments where I lose sight of this fact.

I am going on a talking about relationship hiatus. I don’t need to talk about the blessings that I will reap because everything that is for me is already blessed. I could walk into these orientations and find my husband…. Hahahahaha.

Well since I am not going to talk about this subject anymore I recommend that you rent or buy Madea Goes to Jail.  She has a lot of tidbits for the masses. It will make you laugh and cry and bawl. Not necessarily in that order. (There is also a white man in this movie, preaching like white men do.)
Do we see how blessing come when so unexpected. I was sitting in my room thinking about cleaning out my phonebook on my cellphone and I decided to watch this movie. I was also thinking about sending a teaching message to the aforementioned party and this play stopped all of that.
I think providence is working a mighty work on me, showing me things that I refuse to acknowledge in my own right.
Whew….. This has been a lot to get off my chest and I think that is why my post have been traveling in this thread for awhile.
So I will live you with this thought:
“If someone wants to walk out of your life….. let them go.”

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Myspace........

So when the whole Facebook revolution came around I wasn’t resistant because I liked the interface, and I had friends that were using it to network with old and new friends. Now this whole Myspace thing isn’t exactly my cup of tea.
The Top Five Reason Why I Don’t Like Myspace:
  1. The interface is messy and confusing…. Nothing has any order and I am all about order.

  2. Everyone and the mother can have an account and they can have access to your information

  3. There are entirely too many people so you really don’t have great search criteria; it is much harder to find people you know.

  4. It is a giant dating service ( facebook was headed in that direction).

  5. The world is obsessed with this website and I don’t think that it will last very long.

I am trying to holdout on the whole Myspace thing even though my entire computer networked family has an account.
So I confirmed today that my neighbor is still crushing on me, and this is definitely not something that I wish to encourage, if fact I am trying to shot him down without hurting his feelings. My mother made the comment a couple of months back that she didn’t know what I could be turning down, so I’m trying to be a little more open with her about the state of my relationships. So I told her about what happened and what my sister had said about the whole marriage thing and my mother said and I quote, “He isn’t on your level”. Hehehe.  So all of a sudden my mother is having jokes. Lately there have been a lot of conversations of this nature with my mother. I think that she is trying to decide if she is ready to start dating again. She seems to have a lot of the same feelings and concerns that I have, so at least I know where I get it from.
I know that I am definitely not going to go back to this neighbor but I am beginning to see the correlations in my life to that of my mothers. I am slowly repeating some of the same mistakes that she has made only because I never fully understood why they were made.

So in a conversation with my mother today I learned that everyone thinks that I’m prissy now. In the past I might have felt bad about this label, but now I don’t feel that way. I think that this new attitude is characteristic of the changes that are occurring in my life. One it’s going to deter people whom I don’t need to associate with in the first place, secondly it will put me in a position to converse with those individuals who can help me make so much more of my self.
Even my little cousin is beginning to emulate me, but she finds herself at odds with the person that she is and the person that I am. She wants to be more like me but is unsure how to go about that. She spends so much time with her brother that she has become a tomboy and she can’t reconcile the differences.
Two weeks and counting until the beginning of the rest of my life….hehehe.
Peaces…..

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Boundaries

So where is my motivation? In the next couple of days I will have to start living my life on someone else’s schedule.  There won’t be time to put together any of the things that I really need for school, so when will I find the time. I really need to learn to be a little more selfish about my time. My mother thinks that I need to run to see my grandmother everyday. But unfortunately I haven’t been living my life like that for the last four years and I can’t begin to do that now. Don’t get me wrong I am not saying that I don’t want to see my grandmother, but I am saying that I am not going to do it everyday.
The other thing is my general procrastination. I can’t seem to shake it but I’m going to have to.
I ordered my DSL today. I was hoping that they would have more discounts but they didn’t. This means that in a week I will be able to be online a lot more. Hooray.
I have been spending the last couple of days trying to re-connect with my friends here in Mobile. We seems so different, our lives over the last couple of years have diverged so much. I know that it is possible to cope with these changes but I am not sure how these friends are going to fit into the “new” me.  The things that I am reaching for they will not or cannot understand.
I was talking to my mother and she mentioned the fact that my neighbor asked her what he had done because he felt that I never talk to him anymore. The background information to this situation is that we used to date and he told my sister over a month ago that he was going to marry me if I act right…. Funny right.

Anyway the problem is that he doesn’t do anything for me anymore. We are in two totally different places. I can’t visualize him anywhere in my future and right now that is what I really need to be looking at who can fit into my future.
He doesn’t have a job, sits around the house all day, and he is friends with one of my other ex’s and I refuse to have ex drama.
He seems so hurt when I see him…. And it didn’t help that I saw him before my mother told me about this conversation and he spoke but all I did was wave. But I don’t want encourage him anyway.

I need to get out and explore the city so that I can find places to hang-out. I need to meet new and interesting people who do not reside in my neighborhood.  Possibly the love of my life is out there somewhere sitting in a cafĂ© with a good book…. Waiting for me to walk through the door and strike up interesting conversation. Hahaha. I really crack myself up. God I need a boyfriend….. at least then I can talk about the relationship and not about the things that trifling boys do.
Peaces…..

Monday, July 24, 2006

On Ex's and Relationships

I slept the entire day today. I was hoping to get a lot of things accomplished but that didn’t happen.
The topic of the conversation today is what happens when you come face to face or face to picture with the person that is currently dating your ex or was the last person that your ex was seeing.
Well today I was randomly checking my facebook like I always do and I decided to follow the tips that some of my friends had been giving me and I came across through deduction and a vary obvious picture, the girl that he has been talking to.
I can’t be upset about it because we haven’t talked in a very long time, at least not in that fashion. But it is very interesting that she is nothing like me.
When I say nothing like me, I do mean nothing. The only thing that we have in common is our skin tone. So maybe he just has a thing for dark-skinned girls.
I don’t know it just reminded me of all the doors that I need to be closing before school starts. I know that my destiny is not to be alone, but I am reminded of what one of my students said to me this summer. She said that a relative of hers told her that because she was so independent that she was going to be rich and live in a large house all by herself. This is not the future that I see for myself, but I have begun to wonder if there will ever be anyone that can meet the requirements that I have set forth.
Whenever I find someone that meets even a ¼ of what I require and I decided to forgive the rests they show just how important the rest is… and I find myself wishing that I had held out just a little longer.
The rest of the world will probably agree with me when I say that there is nothing pleasant about trying to make an impossible situation work.
So I have given up…… My new philosophy is that I am not looking for a relationship…. I would like to go out but I refuse to commit unless he asks and he meets all the requirements that I set aside.
NO RELATIONSHIPS ONLY FRIENDSHIPS!!!!
Men do it all the time and maybe they have the right idea….
Well until I feel the need to vent again……

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Jobs and Closure

I used to think that my job made me, that it determined where I was in life. Now don't get me wrong... It's not that I was snobby or anything. I just felt that the better the job that you had at the time the better your outlook on your future was. I felt that you moved up in your career in the hopes of brighter things and new beginnings.
The thing that I have realized over the last couple of weeks is that your job doesn't make you happier or put you in a position for bigger and better things. I was always told by my mother who raised me that if you have to leave a position leave on a good note but in the past situation that seems like it isn't going to be an option.
I felt like I needed closure like I needed to know why this happened if it was something that I could change. But morally I think that I would have felt worse if I had changed who I was in the hopes of holding on to something that I really didn't want to holdon to.

I am entering a new phase in my life where I have to realize that what the world does to me doesn't matter ( that is as long as it is not causing me bodily harm). Nothing in the workplace is personal and that is what everyone in the workplace has lost sight of. I worked for a six-week program and was let go two days before the program was over. What kind of sense did that make, if anything you crippled yourself. While I could be hurt and upset and take things personal I won't because that was the effect and purpose of the whole ordeal. if anything she has given me two days of rest in a city that I am quite fond of ( for vacationing), and I am going to enjoy them.

So on a lighter note I start Medical School on Aug. 14th and I am so excited. I will be fulfilling the goals that a lifetime of dreaming has realized for me.
This is the start of a whole new beginning so I think I will make some resolutions:
1. I resolve to lose weight because the only thing I will have to do is read for school so I can do some reading on the treadmill. ( hahaha..... but I'm serious)
2. I will spend a lot more time at church because they miss me and I miss the connection that my church family helps me to achieve.
3. I will volunteer more....( haven't had time.. but I'm going to make some)
4. I will study, study, study.

Ok I'm done resolving because it is tiresome. I am removing my feelings from the equation.
More to come later though... as always.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Crazzzyyy Chiren

I am stuck in the madness in the "A". The children that I am working with this summer are really on some different stuff.... they are unmotivated and just looking for the next party. Unfortunately this was not what I had signed up for. When Crunch time comes they should buckle down and do what needs to be done. Instead they complain..... I don't know what's wrong with this generation.

So I have some serious dilemmas in the male sector. First I have been dreaming about Z. That is not a good thing because it makes me want to call and just talk to him. So I was sitting in my room last night talking with a friend and they were like " why don't you just call him". I mean to me that sounds great because I really would like that opportunity to talk with him again, but I know that it would probably not be a good idea and among everything else I might get hurt again..... But there are definitely some strong feelings still there.
The other person that I cannot explain is "R", he has been playing the relaxed," i'm working hard" card. But I know that he is still talking to some girl that goes to Brenau and that he will not tell me about her because he doesn't want me to know or he feels like has something to lose. Although right now we don't have much of anything anyway.

Since I have been in the "A" I had come across two new individuals to add to the mix. Both of their names begin with "B" so my nomenclature isn't going to work. But the first one is older, loves kids ( which is why he is working for this program), and just generally handsome. The other is younger (very young), sweet, and generally a flirt.

The problem with the younger "B" is that he is a flirt and I can't reconcile his playfulness with being just that"playfulness". Secondly he is extremely young and that has caused me to pause because I really didn't think that he was that young. Let's just say that if I wanted to go out with him we couldn't go because of his age.
The problem with the older "B" is that he really is playing games and his is denying everything... so even though I really like him I can't live with the games. Thats the whole reason that I had to leave "Z" alone and I refuse to place myself back in the same position on purpose all over again. ( but he is so adorable)

I think that I have reached that point where I am tired of being alone again...... but I don't want to talk to someone for all the wrong reasons. I really wish that this was easier.