Whew..... it's been awhile

When I originally began medical school I was listened to upperclassmen talk about how people in your family will never understand. I had that fact shown to me twice this weekend. So I went out with my mother for a mind break on Saturday and ended up at this little thrift store that sole of all things 2" binder (you have to be here to understand). So as I was stocking up on cheap binders my mother did what she always does which is brag on the fact that I'm in medical school. The lady behind the counter immediately began asking question and it turns out that her niece attends medical school here. Well the first thing she says is " she was tested when she was little and they classified her at near genius level. But she stills says that medical school is very hard."
I am here to say it, that medical school has nothing to do with how smart you are. Medical school is about endurance.... How much can you take before your brain snaps and you become a vegetable.

My uncle went so far as to tell me to stop stressing if I don't get an "A" on every test, and I really wanted to tell him that I haven't seen a "A" since I got here.
Its' funny because one of my classmates made the comment that if you flunk out at least you have made it to the point of high achievement flunking.
Even though it seems like the semester is flying away, I can't wait for it to be over... because I am beyond tired and I have never had some many test, quizzes, or homework assignments. Even when I had double the classes.
So I will leave you with these thoroughly tired thoughts as I try to figure out how to get some pain killers, sleep, and 2 homework assignments done that are due tomorrow. All while trying to figure out how to study for my first final which is Friday.

Famu...FAMU

Today while I was sitting in class trying to understand human physiology. I took a moment to check rattler nation, another blog site that provides information on the current situations going on at my Alma Mater. I was intrigued by the recent approval of our new president at the University. I have to admit that I am a fan of Castell. Only because I know logically that she was not there long enough to cause all of the problems that have befallen the university. She unfortunately walked into a bad situation and was immediately blamed for everything that was going wrong. In truth I feel that a lot of what she has done has kept the head of FAMU above water and made it possible for future repairs to be made. For those who would like to blame her for the probation the the College of Pharmacy I would recommend that they do their research. Accreditation committees make numerous trips to the programs they are review before they recommend a course of action, and one infraction does not cause probation. This has been a long time coming and previous staff and current staff have been ignoring the situation. The college has educated people who should know the course that curriculum should be taking and that is an easy fix if addressed.
I welcome President Ammon and I encourage people to just let the man do his job. There is no miracle in this situation that can happen over night... things take time to fix and things will probably get a lot worse before they get better.

I am Changing......

I loved that song from Dreamgirls and if you don't know what I am talking about then you need to cope that soundtrack.
But somethings truly never change. Hurt doesn't go away, pain subsides but lies dormant to be reawakened and the joys are always remembered.
I had to ask myself this weekend how many times was I going to allow myself to be placed in this position ans I decided then that I was through. I was tired of trying to understand the pain because it was not worth understanding.
I have reached the how much more can I take phase.
So I'm smiling and reflecting and honoring the attention that I am receiving.
I'm thanking my good friends because they are always there for me and giving me honest and unbiased advice. Keep it up guys I need you to survive.

Love and Lies.......

Some of you will know what this post is about ( and it ain't all about the title).Recently I was giving the blow off.... not a particularly interesting thing to say the least because as one of my good friends told me " I wasn't vested" and the truth of the matter was that I wasn't.

So the question becomes how can you be blown off by someone that you weren't all that into in the first place????
Now as I marinate on that one.... I realized the truth of why I was so upset in the first place. The reason I was fired up was because He Lied!!!!!!!!

Now those of you who know me know that is my pet peeve..... do not and I repeat do not lie to me in a serious conversation now matter how big or small because that shittt is not funny, cute, nor does it make you the bigger person. (Vent Over)

But yeah He lied and did so as a reassurance.... like that lie made things alright.... absolved him of any guilt and set us both free..... Very funny.

So I stopped being angry... because I realized that like I predicated before anything began..... nothing was going to come of things because he was too closed to allow anyone into his world. So again that is me stressing over nothing.....

After some very insightful conversations with two of my best friends (you know who you are) I have simmered down and am completely in my understanding zone and ready to call up my favorite ex..... hehehehehe..... he is always up for a phone call .... when we are talking.

So the school year has started and I haven't done bad so far..... But I would really like to make this semester a much better one than the last semester was.... I have vowed to be more on top of things and not let them catch me off guard.... if that is possible.

So I got chewed out tonight..... because I was being robbed of my help by someone else..... But hey I am not a hater just didn't appreciate the slight... So I will step out of this corner or little shell that I have placed myself in. In order to get more effective feedback into my education.


Enough venting for tonight... I am going to get some sleep.... ENJOY the MLK weekend....
Peace

What the Hell were They Thinking When They Made Our Schedule!!!!!!

What the hell was the administration thinking when they created our schedule this semester. On Monday we are in class from 8:00 till 5:00 with an hour for lunch and some of our teachers don't respect that. What were they really thinking!!!!!

Once in high school I had a teacher who was telling me about college and Grad school and I was told that I need to get prepared for classes that last 2-3 hours with few breaks in between. I actually had classes like this in Undergrad, but I can't understand how anyone can expect you to go an entire day, learning information, but really you stopped paying attention after lunch but your body switched over into the postprandial state and is trying to digest that McDonald's hamburger that you had to run out to get in the 30 mins that you have between classes that is supposed to be lunch.

Ok, so I am done venting about the horrible day that I had yesterday with the marathon teaching sessions that my teachers tried to have. I have turned over some new leafs for this semester. Now don't get me wrong. I don't believe in New Years resolutions because when you resolve to do anything at the beginning of the years that odds that you will accomplish these things are slim to none... and they tend to stay on your list for several years before you actually make the effort to do something about them.

I decided to do something about a number of things that I have been actively working on. Here is a brief list and most of the things on this list are things that I feel everyone needs to focus on:

1. Finances = I feel that everyone in their 20's need to start thinking about finances. We are only getting older and now is the perfect time to mess somethings up but then we have plenty of time to fix it.
2. Health = Now I am really bad about this one. I am about to become a physician and I put off going to the doctor myself ( usually because I think I already know whats wrong with me, or I don't have the time, refer to the first paragraph).
3. Positive Thinking = Last semester I spent a lot of time thinking negatively and negative thoughts only lead to negative outcomes.
4. Prayer = I am a practicing Christian and I realized that I need to spend a lot more time in prayer, speaking to God and seeking direction. Now if your not that is ok..... but spend time in quiet reflection, We as young professionals spend so much time rushing around with different things that we forget to take the time to reflect on our choices and their effects on future outcomes, or just remembering the Good things that occurred during the day ( we always find time to dwell on the negative things)
5.Control of my personal life and situation = Nothing or no one can make me do anything that I don't want to do ( except someone with a gun and then only for so long). I have allowed things that occur and comments from people to derail my personal progress. I need to relearn how to stand alone before I can stand with anyone else.

There that wasn't so bad.... these are all things that I feel are constants things that no matter what the year we all need to be looking at doing for personal growth.
So over the next couple of months enjoy yourself, and watch your money.... ( make it growth)

Ohhh.... Pray that I can make it through these longs Mondays..... ( I might have to start skipping classes..... craziness.)

An episode of House and a few blogs that I have read..........

I thought I should try to get back to a normal blog life... something other than this med-school induced pity party that I have succumb to so here goes.
I was watching an episode of "House" and in the episode a 10 year old girl was referred to House because she had a heart attack which is very unusual for someone her age. I was very fascinated with the show until the "chase" character began a rant on the fact that the girls weight was the problem and that no other explanation could suffice in her case and condition. This is not the first episode of House that I have seen that has dealt with the issue of an obese patient. The other episode I watched featured an obese man, and in this episode House himself was the one to immediately attribute the man's symptoms to his weight.

So the other half of this rant comes from the fact that I have been reading a lot of blogs and forum post on the topic of overweight medical students. I know for a fact that I am overweight, but I do not feel that this fact in any way dictates the quality of service that I can provide for my patients. One poster went so far as to say He couldn't understand how his fellow classmates could sit in classes and listen to lectures where they are told repeatedly that being overweight is unhealthy and not do something about it.
Well I would like to say to him " How do you know what they are doing?"
The only interaction that you have with them is the interaction in the classroom, you do not know or can understand what their home situation is like. I have watched people cut back and try to lose weight only to gain 10-20 pounds due to stress and anxiety. It had nothing to do with their overall intake but everything to do with their anxiety levels.
What really angers me about the topic from the doctor and the patient standpoint is that there seems to be nothing that a skinny patient or doctor can do wrong, until you look at the facts. Just because you are underweight does not mean that your cholesterol levels are low, it does not mean that you can't get diabetes, it does not mean that you aren't going to have high blood pressure, and it definitely does not mean that you are healthy. The reverse is also true. Just because you are overweight doesn't mean that your are going to experience any of those things either. I am over weight but I don't have high blood pressure, I don't have high cholesterol, and I don't have diabetes. The consequences right now are stretch marks that I really could do without.
It is only in the last year and semester that I have become very sedentary in pursuit of higher grades and things like graduation. Yes I worry about the things that can occur if you are overweight but I do not believe that my weight is the answer for every medical abnormality that I encounter and I hate to think that physicians think that way. Not only is it narrow minded but it hampers the care process. Can you honestly say that you are giving your patient the best possible care if all you can think about is the fact that they have more weight on them than the average person. Wouldn't that be considered negligence? Think about it.

Oh.... In both of these cases the obesity had nothing to do with their conditions and focusing on weight hindered the diagnosis.
Think on that for a minute.

Christmas Break......

Welll.... winter break has begun and my body still hasn't settled into the slower pace that the break affords me. I have been in prayer a lot lately thinking about the things that I did wrong this semester and thinking about the things that I need to change for next semester. One of the things that I need to do is find a new church. My current church home is going through so much right now and I am unable to feel and breathe in the Word of God there currently, maybe one day soon they will figure out where they have went wrong and bring back the faith and worship.

I am beginning to work on my study in order to be prepared for the next semester and I am going to try to stay calm and unstressed. If anyone has any ideas about stress relievers and things that I might try to keep my stress levels down please let me know???

I was thinking about a new car but I think next semester I am going to try and pay off my credit card debt and put some money in the bank and allow it to grow and gain some interest, I am going to need it over the summer so I think that will be a very good idea for the next semester.

As I continue to pray and meditate on this situation I invite others to keep me in their prayers and to remember that God has a master plan and he always prevails.

Happy Holidays!!!!!

First Semester Finals.......

I know that a number of my fellow classmates read my blog so I will try to entertain you during your study breaks..... hahahaha....
Well anatomy is final over for the year and I know that I am not going to miss it. But I will miss the cracks from Dr. Fields, and the smell of the various cadevars in the lab ( come to think of it I won't miss that.)

But the biochem 4th block exam is coming up and I know that I will be cramming the information into my brain and I know that everyone else will also.... try to find a little more room for a little more information because it will all be over soon.
In other news I can't wait for the holidays, I will get to sleep and eat. Two of my favorite pastimes.
I think I am going to put my car in the shop in the hopes that the things that go wrong will be fixed next semester and I won't have these problems ( engine, power steering, etc.)
Or maybe I will just buy a new one ( hahahahaha) doubt that will happen.
Ok ... I will pray for you if you pray for me. Good luck and happy studying.!!!

Living at Home with the Parent

I thought that moving back home with my mother was going to be easy. Over the years while I was in Tallahassee we had become friends and she was allowing me to live my life. Now that I am back home it is like I never left. This thanksgiving holiday was particularly crazy because my sister was at home for an extended period and it was like my mother completely reverted. She treated me like I was a child and couldn't tie my own shoe laces. Things got so bad I thought about finding an apartment and moving out for the beginning of the year.
When I need her to be understanding all she can be is bothersome and aggravating. Everyone says that they can understand my situation but can they really. They aren't still home with their parents and they didn't hurt their parents feelings when they left because they were moving far away and their parents had to understand.
I don't really want to move because I do not want the bills that I will incur living on my own, but I can't take the harassment anymore..... I really need some advice. If anyone knows of what I should do please let me know because I can't continue this back and forth... this up and down.

Good Men...........

I have heard this over and over that women don't know what they want and that they say they want a good man, but they don't know a good man when they see one. Well I can honestly say that I have met a good man, one that is perfect for me in every way except one. He is entirely to shy. While I don't like to be pressured about the whole sex issue I do enjoy having male attention of the positive sort. I spoke with my cousin today and we talked about how things had been going and she mentioned that her husband was the same way. He would take her out but he wouldn't kiss her and barely held her hand. Then out of the blue one day he kissed her in the parking lot outside of her job and she was sitting there like " What just happened?" I don't blame her because I think if this guy should me any kind of attention I would be totally shocked. But I do like him and I am going to try to repress some of my natural urges in order to allow him to develop in this situation, and maybe I won't mess this up.
Peace

Uggghhhh.......

So I was told a couple of days ago that I wasn't ready to talk to someone because of the things that I write in my blog and that my blog kinda gives them the state of my mind.
Well I took that advice with a grain of salt and went about the Week and my Birthday on yesterday. Well I sent a message to "Z" on his birthday and I kinda expected one on mine.... Of course that didn't happen. But I received a belated one this morning?
As I was sitting at the table last night at dinner and I had to blow out the candle on my brownie I made a couple of wishes ( because I believe in things like that) and I won't tell you what those wishes were because I want them to come true..... But some of them I don't think will.
I know that a lot of the people that have talked to me lately don't think that the frame of mind that I am in is a good one, and I agree. So I get all types of very good encouragement and I take all of it and run with it.
I was talking with my cousin last night and telling her about the people that I was going out to dinner with, every time I mentioned a guy she was like "who is He?"
So I told her that there is no one in my life right now and there probably won't be anyone for another three years. Of Course she went into the " right one is out there for you" spiel. I believe that, but I am really tired of trying to cope with things on my own and family can only support you so far.
So to the person that always reads my blog.... I want to be forgiven for the things that I have done ( even when I didn't know I was doing them) and I have forgiven those things that were done to me.
I'm done for today though
Peaces

Another Late Night Studying........

I am sick and tired of studying..... how much studying does it take for a person to go mad. I took a nap and now I am up trying to get through developmental Anatomy before I go to sleep again. As I come up to the end of this semester I realize that I haven't worked this much since I have been in school. Not even my freshman year when I was freakin out over my Honors Cal I class. I keep having people tell me not to give up ( which I don't think I have done yet), but I am so exhausted and I really want to finish what I started because that is the type of person that I am. Ok... now I am just babbling and I only have 1 page left to go on this transcript so I am going to get off of this computer.

Men and the way Life goes....

So I haven't been blogging in awhile because I have been moderating a discussion on facebook. But I came over to let everybody who doesn't read facebook know whats happening and whats up.
So I didn't make homecoming this past weekend because my car broke down and I was stuck in Mobile, but I took the time and learned some Gross Anatomy instead.
So the topic of conversation today is:
Have you ever been in a situation that made you appreciate a past situation so much more?
I was in a situation like that just the other day, so some of you may or may not know that I don't have sex, which has been a major point of contention in the majority of " relationships" that I have been in. But this weekend the guy that I have been dating recently showed his natural born ass. I mean we are not in a relationship but he wants all sorts of things and some of those things are things that I just don't do and I have never done, and may never will. But he comes out with all this crap and then proceeds to ask me "why does everything have to be my way?"
WTF!!!!
For one nothing we have ever done was only beneficial to myself. So how was everything my way?
Anyway.... that situation is over because I refuse to compromise myself for the craziness, but I started thinking about all the times and the things that I put "Z" through because I was sticking to my ideals, and I realized how much he was giving me. How understanding he was of the situation and how he refused to pressure me into doing anything that I didn't want to do.
So now I'm hurting a little because I feel like in a small ways I was missing all the little things that were really important and now it is too late to apologize and say that I was wrong. ( I'm a big girl ... I can admit that)
And I was definitely wrong in that situation..... So I'm feeling lousy.
But I did get rid of the creep-of-the-week and I don't feel bad about that at all.
Well I need to get back to studying Biochem..... Talk to you later
Peaces.

It's official........

I need a new car....
I am tired of having to find a ride to class when I own my own vehicle...... this makes absolutely no sense that I can't get a new car. My mother won't help me because she thinks that the car that I have is perfectly fine, and she doesn't think that I need a new bill.
but please...... everyone and their mothers can tell that I need a new car ( or a slightly used car) that is not going to break down on me with a turn of the hat.
My current car decided to break down at the worst time.
1. the day before a test..... how was I supposed to get to class to take my test (luckily I have good friends)
2. I was supposed to go to homecoming this weekend, but now with the car out of commission I won't be going
3. I am tired of spending money on repairs.... in the last 4 months I have spent almost $500 on parts and another 200-300 on repairs when you add up all the little things.

I just think that I blew the down payment for my new car fixing the old one and really nothing has been repaired that really need to repaired like the windows, the locks, the sunroof, and the rims ( although the rims are not essential).

To add insult to injury I had to go spend about 3 hours today getting my tag renewed. All I could think about was I was resigning myself to this situation for another year... then I get to the window and the lady takes my check and she asks me for my place of employment...... when I told her that I was currently unemployed ( which I have NEVER had to say before since I was old enough to work) she had the nerve to give me this look like she wasn't going to take my check then she writes unemployed on the check and asks me for a bunch of other information that I don't even think they need.
I was embarrassed and more than a little upset. But I got the tags renewed and I was out an on my way to class.
So the next dilemma that I have is that my mother had me wait until I was unemployed and can't get financing for a car. ( I think this was part of her plan)
But I vow that after the first of the year I will be driving a new car and I won't have the problems that I am having right now with my vehicle.
OK.... that is enough of my vent session.... back to your regularly scheduled program.......

The test......

Well it's official I passed my Devo test...... now it is time to prepare for the other two tests that I have this test block...
Hopefully my car will get fixed and I will be able to go to Homecoming this weekend.....
Everybody pray that these things will be possible......
Peaces

After the Test let Down......

I know everybody feels it.... you have studied for days to take a two hours test and after the test you just want to crash...... Right now I feel like falling over and doing nothing for the rest of the day. But I can't because my car decided to die last night so I am stranded here at the school until I can get a ride home, I also can't go to sleep because we have lab later on today for Gross... and today I would really not like to go to Lab.
I am tired of preparing for test.... I feel like my whole life is one big test preparation. No breaks just preparing for the next test.... and then my brain hurts.... I think I am going to have an aneurysm before I finish this year.. ugghhhhh..... This is just a rambling expression of my disgust with my life right now... I wish someone could save me from myself.
And the saga continues........................................................................................

Inspirational Thought for the Day......

With everyone praying over test and various stresses I thought that this message would be of some inspiration to a number of people who read my blog and my notes. I was directed to this quote from the movie Akeelah and the Bee because this quote inspires me. I hope that it uplifts you.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?'
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
~ Marianne Williamson

So my friends take this inspiration and go and let your light shine for others to see so that they may do the same. And should you forget or doubt just ask yourself, " Who am I not to be?"

Rainy Days in Mobile

I had forgotten how rainy days in Mobile make me feel. I don't want to get out of the bed and I really don't want to do anything for the entire day whether the rain stops or not. I was in my bed this morning and at first I didn't hear the rain so I contemplated getting out of the bed and going to class. So I decided to roll back over and go back to sleep, at the time I didn't know that it was the rain thinking for me. So around the time to go to my second class of the day I wake up and I still don't want to get out of the bed, but I can't miss two classes in a day so I roll over and get out of the bed. I am still confused as to why I don't want to get out of the bed. I get my things together and I head out of the front door. Only to be slapped in the face by the cold ( because you know when it rains the temperature outside drops) so I turn around and I grab a jacket then I head out into the world. So I get into my car thinking that the rain had stopped because I didn't feel it falling out of the sky although I could see that the world was wet. But after I clear my windshield I notice that the water is returning. Meaning that it is still raining and I left me umbrella in the house but I don't have time to go back in and get it so I pray my way to school hoping that when I get there the drizzle will have stopped. But as you can imagine my luck is not that great this morning and the rain only got harder when I got here. So I put on my jacket, grabbed my bags and made a mad dash to the door of the building with flip-flops on. So here I am sitting in class with damp bangs and praying that the weather has gotten better since I have been in class because I am starving and I have to make a food run when I get out of class........ ohhh

First Testing Experience on the Computer.....

We took a practice exam today on the computers for our Gross class. I was really disappointed in the layout of the software. It was very generic and you couldn't annotate or highlight in the program. I don't know what the experience is going to be like when we have 100 questions and they are questions that we haven't really seen before.
Pray for me because this next test is going to be difficult.
In other news I haven't had any sleep and I am slowly beginning to feel the effects. I was driving home today and the only thing that I could think about was "if I can only make it home" because I was just that tired behind the wheel. Add in the 90 degree weather and that just spells disaster. I need to go in the gross lab today but I really don't feel like even looking at that cadaver. My house is a mess and I can't even begin to reclaim it from my mother because I am dealing with studying for these test, so when this test block is over. I am going to throw away everything in that house, and she ain't going to like it.
Peace and Blessing I am tired of typing.

Just Keep Chugging.......

I am sitting here tired of looking at DNA and RNA Transcription and Translation. So I am taking a break to reach out to the real world and relax my mind. I was wondering what the rest of the world is doing with their school year. I don't have time to call people so leave me a comment on the course of your studies (and your lives).
I was sitting with a group of students the other day and I was asking them what did they do before medical school. The group that I was with attended HBCU's and the resounding answer was that they miss attending football games and traveling. I miss my friends from college and I miss the good times that we shared that I don't get to do anymore.... late night trips to walmart, sitting on the set after dark when they turn on the Christmas lights, attending football games, and going to the movies just to unwind.
For anyone that believes that I don't think about them anymore.... know that that is totally untrue because during the four years of college that I endured you were definitely my life line.

The thought for today is that you can do anything that you set your mind to... when your mind is willing.
Encourage yourselves even when no one else will........